Why

It seems when you take a stainless steel pocket knife and put it against your wrist and press as hard as you think you can nothing happens.

At least for me.

Sure there is a small little line left, but it goes away after about 10 minutes.

Then my wrist burns for a bit.

I started doing this about 4 days ago? I dunno...

I dunno why I do it either.

I feel happy right now, i don't think there is any reason why I should do it. I tell myself that when I look at that pocket knife sitting on my end table. It's shiny in the light. It's stainless steel too and from China. That means if you lick it you'll get led poisoning. One time I hid it and thought that would work. How stupid is that? I know where it is, I freaking hid it. So I went back and got it and ya know, put it to my wrist.

I let it sit there for a moment ya know? I think about a whole bunch of different things like:

-Don't do it
-Push harder this time
-I like this song on my Ipod
-There's a finger print on the blade
-Hey my dad gave me this a few years ago, he got it from his work
-Why am I doing this?
-Wow it's late
-I want a permanent mark, just one
-What's wrong with me?
-1...2...3...
-Put it away
-Hide it
-Don't hide it
-Throw it away
-Don't throw it away, its got other gadgets too like a cork screw, mini scissors, nail file etc.
-4...5...6...
-What will my friends think?
-This is bad, I'm bad
-I'll blame it on the cat
-The line always goes away
-I should make this go away

It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. have you ever tried this before? Just once? Or just put the a blade to your wrist and see if you would do it but never do? Have you ever gotten this far? Have you ever gone farther than me? I hope I never get further. I hope I stop. Why don't I stop?

I'm talking to Dev right now. My voice sounds happy, I feel really happy.

Yet why do I put it up to my wrist? Am I like really really depressed deep down? I never like to be sad, when I am I try and push that feeling down into the pit of my stomach. It feels weird there for a second, like I'm going to puke, but then it goes away. Is my little 'trash bin' over filled? I don't think this is a way to empty it...

Wow those last two sentences sound stupid...oh well...

I read a book called Cut. The girl was cutting herself because....well I can't tell you that, it would ruin the book. But in the beginning she didn't know why. I hope I find out why before I like have to go to a therapist or something. I don't like them much...it seems they ask all the wrong questions or questions you don't know how to answer because you don't have the answer...

Maybe I'll stop tomorrow night. Maybe I won't.

I'm gonna tell my mom sooner or later I think....but I'll wait...I can stop on my own...I think...

Dev says she's hyper now. =) I smiled, I'm happy right? I'm smiling, I'm happy, I feel happy.

Why?

Why do I do this to myself?

I'd rather be confused like Dev or Ellie because boy asked them out than this.

I just looked in the light at my wrist right now. The mark is gone. I want I new one. Just one. Only one, that's permanent. Then I'll stop.

I shouldn't say that. I should stop now.

I should.

I will.

Soon.

I hope...

Do you hope I stop?

I think you do.

I hope you do.

Well that's it. That's my post.

What? You're thinking it must be a joke?

Yeah if I were you I would too. Seeing that I'm always so happy all the time. Right?

I love you. I just thought I would say that. I don't know why, it just sounds nice.