Hmm...Hmm...Hmm...

Hmm.

Went out with Jackie to Reddi's and also on an adventure to see her grandma on Friday. Saturday I had two birthday parties to go to. =)

Got in touch with two of my cousins.

Hung out with Mikey on Sunday.

Been working for my Lumpy Pumpkin...may get paid more. Hope so. =)

Gonna be workin two full days Thursday and Friday...kinda lookin forward to it I guess cuz it'll mostly be in the warehouse! =)

Gotta work on my VV stuffs too...and photo project.

Hmm...

Fear

It's been a rough two days...discussion in physiology kinda set off some surpressed thoughts and feelings almost to the point where I could hardly control myself.

Made answering the phones at work a bitch.

I haven't pulled an all-nighter this year at all which is strange considering I normally pulled 1-2 each week. I even pulled one for 5 days straight as a freshie....got very sick though...don't try that...

Many family members and teachers always say I work so hard because they think that it's my busy life and schoolwork that is the cause.

Really the reason is because I'm afraid that if I go to sleep and then wake up in the morning...my mother will not.

I know I'm not the only one that lives with similar fear and that it will happen eventually...but if it happens now, I know I won't be ready for it. I've always intended to be much, much older when that time comes.

But with her addiction to caffeine, cigarettes and medication, along with many other health problems...I often wonder if she'll even make it to see me graduate sometimes. I can't talk about this with people in person, otherwise the waterworks will come just like they have now.

Maybe I just shouldn't be so selfish because, like I said before, I'm not the only one who has or have had this problem...but I just love my mother too much.

Mmmm...

Kind of annoyed that I've had to keep changing everyone's schedule and that I now still have to work today and miss my GSA meeting because SOMEBODY took more hours at work.

I know you have no money to your name and that ya need to pay for a lot of stuff.

I know you need to put money towards a car for college.

But shit. You knew how many people were involved and how we had to change our week around this. And doing it at 8PM the night before the dinner?

Also, you still have a WHOLE box of chocolate? You knew your mom wasn't going to sell them way before the due date. And you didn't think to bring them to school or give it to me to sell at work till the very last night? Bull.

I don't care that you don't have any money but sometimes the way you handel your money problems pisses me the fuck off.

GASPABALOOZA

I don't think anyone can possibly fathom how fucking scared I was to go onto my computer today.

I went on...but I'm still kinda scared after everything.

But excited at the same time.

I don't know why it took so long to believe you.

Lesson learned, I'm never listening to my drug addict mother ever again. That's for sure.

And either way...this is kinda like...one of the best days of my life.

Hopeless Thinking Rambles

Ever since it happened I think about it every day...

Was is all my fault? Was it your fault? Was it really anybodies fault or just a fluke?

In the end you denied ever being involved but I've heard tale that you were. You and your ass of a boyfriend. I find it funny, myself saying that about him, when I knew your boyfriend longer than you did and I only just realized how much of an ass he was (think that's why I liked him so much sometimes actually...)...yet we were such good friends him and me...considered ourselves best friends (think his being an ass is why I liked him so much sometimes actually...). He told me things he wouldn't tell anyone. So did you.

So. I still can't understand. Why would you OR him do that?

Was is revenge?

Because I stopped doing things for you? Didn't see you as much?

I know I did bad in that. It happened with Andy. And it started happening with Michael too.

Maybe it was the whole honeymoon phase...I don't know. But I know that it's not acceptable.

I remember saying no to you so many times, that I had plans with either of them when I was with them. But you kept trying anyways.

In the end I know I should have made more time for you...I dunno why I stopped really.

But did that give any of you an excuse to tell my parents information I trusted you would keep to yourself?

Maybe it was some asinine way of trying to protect me from Michael. Because you thought he was this terrible person and that he was just using me or something. I honestly don't know. All communication really just kind of stopped after it happened. I was so shocked to hear where the information came from. Even since then I still have trust issues. I can't even trust myself anymore.

We never really got to really talking about what happened. We chatted through Facebook a little bit, you invited me to dinner. Then one day you snapped at me in a text and I snapped at you back and we haven't had contact since.

To be honest I don't even really remember what I said. I think it was something along the lines of you trying to control me and that I was done with it.

Another reason. Why I thought you did it. Or he did it.

You wanted to control me. I can't blame you...both of you have had too many events in your life where you couldn't control things...whether it was a dying father or divorced parents or whatever. So you tried to control what little you could. It's quite easy actually...you don't even really have to because you're friends and think on the same track, but even the best of friends have two totally different ideas on some things.

I dunno. I'm rambling.

My relationship with Michael is going strong. The rumors about him weren't true- obviously- and we'll be together a year on April 4th.

I still tell him stories about us. All the stupid/awesome things we've done. At least you and me.

Whether it was because you were trying to hurt me, protect me, or control me...I guess I forgive you. I don't know.

A lot of people say that because of what happened I should keep it like we are...which is nothing. But for some reason I just can't stop thinking about you and what we had.

I was the one that made the decision to stop talking in the end. I couldn't talk to you. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't trust you or your boyfriend or even, as I said before, myself for that matter.

You were the one that invited me to dinner that one time. So I guess that showed you have the same thoughts in terms of wishing we had a relationship again.

I still wonder if you do.

I don't know how to approach you.

I've heard you've been convinced that I left you for Michael. I didn't. I would have been happy to have both of you. But because of what happened in July I felt betrayed.

You probably feel betrayed too.

Maybe we should just talk about what happened. One on one. Our thoughts on the situation and all that.

See if this really can be revived.

I've heard stories of people forgiving their friends and relatives for even the most evilest of things just because they loved them and their relationship was so good before it.

Maybe that's what I should have done.

I don't think I could have though.

I don't know.

I still check on your Facebook page and read Rayy's blog to try and get information to make sure you're okay.

I heard you had a bad weekend. I still wish I was there for you.

I wonder if you even read my blog or care for me anymore.

I wonder if you hate me.

I wonder if you would even want to talk to me again anymore.

I wonder what you think of me.

Probably the most terrible person you ever met I'm sure. Which I guess I deserve. I don't know.

No matter what happens in my life I always make it out to be my fault. Maybe it always is. I don't know. God forbid I ever get into an abusive relationship.

If you still wanna talk...or even just tell me about how much of a terrible person I am...poke me on facebook or text me or call me or something.

If anything I just need to know why it happened. Who actually did it. And who was involved in the whole thing.

Maybe I'll post this on the comment section of your blog because I'm impatient...I don't know.

I'm actually afraid to text you or anything. I don't know why I'm not afraid to do this...

Shit. I don't even think this makes sense.

Or if I'm even using the right words and just making you even more pissed at me. I'm sure when I called your boyfriend an ass you kind went "Um...bitch say what?" I would too. Cuz in the end no matter what he is your boyfriend...

I just don't know anymore.

Sometimes I cry. Because I just don't know. I don't understand.

Do you cry? I'm sure you did.

Do you now?

Do you even care?

Do you wish...we could start over?