Reunion

Just got back from sitting at Apple Bees for over 4 hours with my golf girlies. Good times I tell you, gooood times.

I miss it.

Slushy

Yes. It's pretty outside.

But I'd rather have it be ugly and rainy out than up my risk of getting into an accident just for the sake of it being 'pretty'.

Holiday was good. Got to spend time with family members and best of all my boyfriend.

I got him a biiig gift this year. =)



Had to be all covert ops to get it because the watch stand was right across from Subway where he was working at the time...

Then he got me this really pretty gold necklace with my birthstone on it. =)

However, aside from the big gifts, I must say my favorite so far is my Forever Lazy my dad got me...

Even though I look like a smurf in a jumpsuit this thing is so effing comfy...

Jj and I went shopping together today and then hit up pizza hut =)

Now I'm sitting here bored...work tomorrow...probably gonna be super slow...

Hope everyone had a good holiday!

Even Though...

It's pretty much all over.

And we've made some amends.

I still can't help thinking.

How he never defended you.

Especially when he knew he was the one who did it.

I won't ask for an apology nor do I care if I get one.

But even so I think I deserve one.

And even if I did get one.

I still think he's a fucking asshole.

At least I openly admit I'm a bitch.

And I apologized and made an effort.

I see none on his part.

So I won't give any.

Besides.

It's his decision to try, not mine.

I was hurt too.

Though.

I'm quite sure I'm way better off.

With out him.

;aldskjfa;uorvk;afsjv

I couldn't think of a title...

Hung out with my honey today. He got me to try playing C.O.D on Live, on the hardcore level. Got a three kill streak (kay, so it's not that good...but being it was my first time playing it EVER, I'm proud...) and killed 7 peeps and only died twice.

Skillz that killz. ;D

I still love L4D more though...

Watch Mikey help hook up Dave's subs that he got him and then picked up Makenna from her school. After baby sitting I went to the store to get some milk and tampons (an interesting combination...). I can't believe some of the prices on some tampons...I don't know why women would pay so much for something they stuck up their vagina...

Watched some Darker Than Black when I got home and now I'm ready for bed. Got work and then my first corporate x-mas dinner! =D

Sometimes

I just wanna beat people in the face.

I can't watch the news anymore...it just gets me in that kind of mood. Too many stupid people.

Work has been fun, got a bonus and a raise so that'll be nice. Nice to have a day off tomorrow though. Probably sleep in and hang out with my honey. <3

I'm starting to get very used to the idea that he is very likely 'the one', being my only lover or not. Life doesn't go as planned, but it could always be worse, and if this is as bad as it gets then I'm just fine with that.

Got my first corporate dinner to go to too this Friday! I'm super excited! =)

Furniture Sliders

After going to Walgreens and being told they sold out yesterday and that they weren't getting back anymore of them, then going to CVS where the old lady I asked looked at me as if I were a lunatic and that theses sliders didn't even exist and THEN going to WalMart and asking someone who told me they were in the furniture aisle (makes sense) and THEN being told they were in the hardware section (makes little sense) I finally found them.

Dad is thinking about getting another kitten...we found one that we both love up at Pet Co.

Also.

I PASSED MY MATH CLASS.

WITH A C+.

Hellz yeah.

Last Exam

I'm so not studying. I already have a super A in the class (it also comes with a cape) and it's Speech...PLUS it's all multiple choice/T/F so it should be super easy...

We set up our Christmas tree finally, ornaments and all! =)

Saturday I'll be chillin at Marc's par-tay with Mikey and friends. Should be really fun. It's also his Mama's birthday.

May start writing (again)? Hmmm...

Math.

Time to get off my ath and do some math.

What a fucking nightmare...

I'm gonna keep my hopes down so if I did do bad I'll just be like 'kay' but if I managed to pass I'll party.

We set up part of the Christmas tree.

Thinking of starting to write again. Book needs some mega re-working and planning though.

Finally.

Time to blog.

Week has been very busy. Had a math test on Wednesday, then my Ethics exam Friday and work/baby sitting between that.

Currently my math grade is a C. I need a C- to pass. If I get 102/200 on my exam I can still pass with a C-.

I hate these make/break your grade tests. XP

Finished with a B in psych. Probably could have had an A+ if I tried harder.

Speech exam this Friday too (yes, I know, who the eff has an actual test in a SPEECH class?!).

Friday I did 100 math problems from the final exam packet and then went over to Mikey's to hang out. I was feeling pretty depressed cuz I got a D+ on that test I took on Wednesday...meh.

Did some more math problems Sat. then went to my Aunt Debbie's funeral. He 'soul mate' had passed. He had stones disease (when your organs get all hard...pretty sure that's what ya call it). The day before he died (which they knew it was his last day) he had a priest give him his final rights and then got all his $ in order as well as his funeral and then just asked Debbie to lay with him and he died in her arms around 2:30AM. I think it's a bit of a beautiful tragedy if you ask me.

Dad walked in on Michael and me last night...we weren't doing it yet, and even though he knows we do it it's still a fucking mood kill.

I'm planning on having the family watch Limitless on Netflix for our next family movie night. It's a good one. =)

Today I had lunch with my two Aunt's (Dad's sisters) and then Dad took me to the cemetery where I gave my Grandma and Grandpa their letters.

-

I wrote a letter to my Grandma and Grandpa today.

I'm going to take it to their grave on Sunday.

T-Giving Break

Hmmm...recap....lets see...

Wednesday:

Was a total fucking waste of gas and time. Thanks University of Akron. I could have made how much money at work that day and instead I sat through 1 math class (which I did need to go to) then spent the rest of the day in 2 5 second classes and sitting on my ass in the library for hours (where a creepy guy kept winking at me continuously) only for 5 extra credit points.

Fuck you.

Thursday:

Was better.

Slept in and spent most of the day watching Bones and helping my Mom around the kitchen a bit. I already set the table the night before (beautifully if I do say so myself), and Jj was at Scott's making a 2nd Turkey.

Family came over around 4:30. Mom, Scott, and I all had a Cranberry Lime Smirnoff (my favorite out of them) and at like little piggies. The turkey was good and very juicy. Grandma stayed late to play Scrabble with Jj and myself and Michael drove over and joined us towards the end of the game.

He and I then 'watched' Due Date and snuggled then he left.

Friday:

Went black Friday shopping with Dev! We hit Wal Mart (shitty deals), Dots (awesome bras for $6.50), Rue 21 (amazing deals; guys hoodies for $7, shirts and skirts for $3-$9, nice panties for $1 and belts for only $2!) and Kohls (where I got my Mom kitchen seat cushions for her Christmas present and realized that I either spent/lost my $25 Kohls gift card...so I had to pay the $38 for them...AND THEY WERE ON SALE. WTF?!).

Got her a belt with an owl on it for her birthday.

Dev and I also went to Steak and Shake and enjoyed some chicken fingers and fries and talked about life. =)

Went over to Michael's around 11PM and we watched Jackass 2 on TV and he made me some effing amazing pancakes.

Saturday:

Mom's birthday today (she's 54, shhhhhhh!). It's already chaos.

Scott came over to give Mom her present he got for her and also to bring news to Jj and after he told him NO he CANNOT play games on his computer Jj did actually play games on his computer. Turns out, the games required you to pay to play them and despite the fact jj had cards with money on them he accidentally hit some button that charged my Uncle's credit card. $75+ and 4 hours at the bank later, he was here.

He has to change all his credit card numbers, his debit card number, everything because the last time he stole money off of my mom's credit card to pay for one of his games and shit someone else got the number too and we had to suffer through 3 years of identity fraud.

Jj is in deep shit.

Dad got Mom a laptop for her birthday (which I think is a waste of money, she doesn't know shit about computers...except how to screw them up) and a wireless printer for the whole house. I'm going to get the old printer when I move out (hopefully in a year or two...).

Now we're just waiting for her to get into the 'present chair' for her to open them.

Future

I asked Micheal last night if he ever thought/wanted to sleep with more than one girl before he finally met 'the one'. He said it didn't care and rather it is with just me.

I don't want to say he's the one, simply because I'm so young, but I'm pretty sure he is.

Regardless...

I don't think I want him to be the ONLY one that I've slept with.

I wanted to experience different brands of sex with different people. Wanted to explore and find out what I really liked bedroom wise. I didn't plan nor have I ever wanted to be one of those married couples that go 'ya know, you were the only one I've been with, ever since high school'.

In fact, I feel bad for couples that are like that. It just seems so blah and boring to me.

No adventure. No fun.

It makes me feel disappointed in my love life knowing that (at this point) Michael is probably going to be the only one for me (long term wise).

I love him and I'm glad he probably is 'the one' but...I just didn't think I'd find my 'one' so soon.

I'm not ready for 'the one' yet.

But I'm too afraid to lose him. Too afraid to break him.

I'm not that selfish where I would leave something so great just to go fuck a couple of guys and gals just for the sake of having a more adventurist love life.

But dammit I hate fairy tale relationships/high school sweethearts.

Sometimes...

Even though I am with the most wonderful man in the world that loves me, cherishes me, and will do anything to keep me safe and happy and I feel just as strongly about him...

I wish I had a girlfriend.

I had always planned on letting college be the time where I experimented with that and really got to know my true lez side. I even imagined bringing her home and to one of the family reunions just so my family could sneer at us as we walked around proudly.

I'd convince Michael to have a threesome if I wasn't so selfish and wanted her all to myself...

I'd rather at least like to be able to go and do the dirty with a girl one night and then come back to Michael (he would know all about it) with no consequence...

It all sounds almost cruel. Whenever I feel that way now I'll just listen to my Ashley song. Maybe then I'll stop wishing about what I'm missing out on...

Weekend Recap

Jj had his surgery this Friday (as you all know). I skipped school, snuggled with Mikey for about an hour until I got the call that Jj was out of surgery. Then I drove to party station and got him a smiley face balloon and made it to the hospital before he woke up. =)

He ended up coming home after that and pretty much slept the whole weekend. Dad and I drove all the way down to Cleveland to get Jj and sub from Grums. I had him listen to

Yeah' but Lil John and Usher. =p

Then we played pool downstairs and had some interesting conversations. It was pretty cool.

Today I bought some x-mas gifts online and from CVS and grabbed Jj some McDonalds french fries. Helped him with some ice packs for his leg and gave him his meds before heading off to Mikey's.

We had some fun and then went to the park and had an adventure because it was nice out. He played a song for me called 'Ashley' by Escape the Fate.

http://www.lyricsmania.com/ashley_lyrics_escape_the_fate.html <--- Lyrics

<3

Got 100% on my math quiz. Which is good because it's the one class I'm kind of hanging by a thread. Need a C- to pass. Have a C+ now. Better do pretty well on that final...

Well, that's about it for a recap of the weekend.

Hope everyone else hand a good one too =)

Sigh?

Sigh.

Quizzes and Snacks

Have you ever had one of those quizzes where you're completely rocking the whole front side of the page and then you turn it over and go 'wtf is this shit?!'.

Yeah.

Just had one of those.

AND I forgot my bag of snacks in my car....

BUT

When I skip out of classes early today (psych and ethics) I can eat them on the way to and in the hospital.

I care more about my brother's surgery than school today.

The Moon

If you haven't noticed (which if you haven't I'm just gonna say it right now, you're either blind or dumb) I changed my blog template.

I wanted to go bright (like a flower or something) but then again, I wanted it to be of something I really loved.

And if it's one thing I love, it's the moon.

Even though it appears (almost) every night, I'm amazed by it every time I look up. To me it represents power, beauty, and grace. If anything, moon light is my favorite thing in the world. I love the way it covers the earth and lights up the dark. It's color is also simply magnificent.

Nothing interesting happened today. Gotta wake up around 5:45 so I can drive the girl I baby sit to school (Makenna), then go to work for 8 hours, then go pick Makenna back up from school and baby sit her for another 4-5 hours.

Gonna be a loooooong day.

When It Rains It Pours

And holy shit did it pour yesterday...

I got new wipers though...the kind that are rubber like and shape to your wildsheild....they're flipping amazing. =)

Amazon.Com is having their black Friday sale already. Got a blu ray dvd for $4 (that's including shipping). =O

Should do math homework tonight....kinda wanna look at new blog templates though....Probably should do math, somehow kinda screwed up my wrist at work today. The less I use it, the better.

I'm making popcorn chicken =)

Also, my shingles are going away (kinda...they don't itch anymore).

Yeah, I had shingles (have...). Go stress, poor diet and lack of sleep!!!

Homework and Sleep

Saturday night after watching SNL with my mom I spent the rest of the hours watching Pocahontas online. Then I did and IMBD only to discover that Christian Bale voiced the character of Thomas in the movie.

My mind. Was blown. It doesn't even freaking sound like him!

This morning I slept in until about 11:50 then rolled my lazy ass out of bed to shower and start my math homework.

I was planning on getting it all done by dinner but i decided...hey, I'm still super tired, and I wanna watch the 2nd Pocahontas...so I went back to bed and watched that. Which I was really disappointed in. Pocahontas and John Smith we so in love in the first movie and then she leaves him for this girly ass guy instead...Bleh.

I napped after that until about 5:30 then had dinner with the fam.

Dad told us the story again about how when he was in kindergarten he put one of his Dad's slippers in the fish tank so the fish had a cave to swim through...and every time Grandpa (his dad...grandpa to me...) would sit in the lazy boy chair (NEXT TO THE FISH TANK) and go "Dammit, where are my GD slippers?!".

He never noticed.

=p

Did my math quiz and now I'm here blogging. Really wanna watch Bo Burnham's Words Words Words again on Netflix...I effing love that guy. He's cute and funny and all hell, not to mention positively brilliant.

Oh yeah, and JJ made me a paper throwing star. He goes for another surgery this coming Friday.

Inner Bad Thoughts

Some of my inner bad thoughts are starting to come out.

Like:

I hate fat people that are gay. Gays are already hated enough. The fact that you're a fat ass makes it even worse for the community.

It's a stupid feeling really...but hey.

Long Time No See

When I got home from school Friday night and retreated to the confines of my room I found a notebook filled with a few journal entries.

It made me realize just how much I missed blogging.

I originally stopped after reading past blog posts. 4 years ago I was the typical pre-teen: Whiny, random, silly and depressed easily and the fact slightly embarrassed me. However, the memories I recorded, whether happy or sad, brought me excitement.

Finding that notebook reminded me of that.

So I'm going to try and keep up with Laughing Under The Sun.

What has happened so far since I've been gone?

A lot.

The basics is that I'm now a freshman in college and that University of Akron. I commute and my major is Marketing and Sales. My grades are all great (except for math but as long as I'm passing I couldn't give a damn), and I've met some cool people.

I've been with Michael Alexander Dubay for 1 year and 9 months now and we are going as strong as ever. Even though I try not to think about things like marriage and kids in the future (simply because I feel that at 18 I don't need to think about those things) I can't help but feel that he is 'the one'.

Been working at S.W.Anderson. We let our one warehouse guy (John) go and have had our new guy Tom (who I call TomTom...like the GPS system) since July. He's a pretty fucking awesome dude. He's in his 40's, has a lazy eye and isn't afraid or ashamed to talk about it when asked and if you make a good joke about it he even laughs and gives you brownie points. He's been involved in a fighting style called Kail and can defiantly kick ass and take names. His eating habits and skinniness are also similar to mine but he exercises and drinks protein shakes and I've started to get into it too.

Baby sitting wise I've been watching the two most awesome and cutest kids in the world: Makenna (9) and Ryan (7 and Larry from work son).

Have rekindled my friendship with Jackie and keeping up my friendships with Devlyn, Rachel, Erin, Justin and Andy.

In fact, Andy just came over to give me back my calculator he's had for about a year and a half... =p

Got my first speeding ticket. There was a guy that was checking me out in a truck (an ugly old guy...) so I decided I'd put the pedal to the floor and get ahead of him. Bad idea. As soon as I passed him a cop appeared on the side of the road and clocked me at 82 in a 65. Though I can say...I was pretty impressed my car sped up that fast in that short of time. =p

I helped a guy on my OpinionAided app/website and talked him out of committing suicide. Every time I answer one of his questions he always reminds me how I saved his live. Makes me feel kind of awesome I can help a complete stranger.

Got my first credit card. It's been helpful. Managing money fine.

Also decided I'm going to cut pop and fast food drastically out of my diet. Eat more mango's too =p

Thinking about giving my blog a new look, make it brighter.

Watching SNL with mama now!

Woah Man

Cheers to me wearing the 1st non-revealing top of this year!

Pop it like it's hot! ;D

Crazy Studying

I'm finally starting to get B's on my quizzes in Govt. To study I'm making flash cards. They work very well...but they're sure are a bitch to make. Takes me hours. But at least they help...

Hope I did well on my other two tests I had today too!

I'm nervous!

=x

Also, we got Netflix, which is awesome. =)

.

Even after the long blog post spilling my heart out, the acceptance, and the night out on the town and movie night I'm still confused again as to whether or not I should have even bothered.

Two things just keep running through my head.

1. The night on the town. For whatever reason I paid for your food which I kick myself for every time. But I wanted to try my best to see if we could work again...so I did anyways. That's not what I keep running though my head though. The first thing I keep running though my head was your response as to why you wanted to start talking again. I told you it was because I didn't like the way it ended and it killed me to think that we had something so good and that it disappeared.

Your reason?

"Well the reason why I started talking to you again was cuz I saw you had no friends."

I was completely stunned by the comment. But I let my self hatred come in and let it pass, made me think that maybe I deserve it a little and told you that yes I really didn't have any other friend like you and that I truly clicked with at this point. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not really people I would invited over my house on a boring 'ole Saturday or something.

I let you live in the moment. Make you think that you're truly the only shining start in my life because I haven't had another relationship like ours.

I even hugged you when I left.

Now comes the 2nd thing that I keep replaying in my mind.

2. Your birthday party.

I thought that we were making some pretty good progress especially since I got to go to your party. The fact that it was at Ryan's bothered me the most, but I did my best to ignore it because, as I said again, I wanted to try my best to make this work at least somewhat.

I ignored the fact that I had already been replaced because I really couldn't see any reason why you wouldn't. But what really got me that night was really the final thing that happened.

We were playing charades and I got the which from left for dead. You all started saying how you were getting tired of the game and how you didn't want to guess but you knew what it was. And then that's when he said it.

Instead of a witch he called me a bitch and I can't help but feel that it was on purpose. What I also couldn't help was noticing that when he said it you had a little smile on your face and you were trying not to laugh.

But I ignored it.

And even planned a movie date.

After that we've talked....maybe a few times? And you normally just end the conversation by not saying anything anymore.

So...I can't help but feel that you really don't even care anymore. You really only cared that I knew that you didn't do it.

Don't get me wrong, in person when we hung out it almost felt like old times and I still believe you.

But I guess you've pretty much moved on and that maybe I should just give up and move on to because what's been done is done.

It just kinda makes me sad that it seemed so much easier for you.

Maybe it's because I don't have any meds or a replacement standing by.

College is coming soon and we'll both have new groups of people to hang out with anyways...

I dunno. Guess I'm still just trying to recover.

I dunno.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Sometimes

I like to think the mistakes that I make are little.

Like misreading the VV e-mail which said we're meeting at 7PM not 7AM.

But I just can't ignore the fact that I've made a hell of a lot of little mistakes in my life. And big mistakes. And that the only thing I'm good at is making mistakes.

Sometimes. I think even me being given life was a mistake.

Under The Weather and Outside It Isn't Better

Haha.

It rhymed.

Thiip.

Got hit by a bus of god knows what kind of sick. Missed a day of school. Which in the end was nice because I got to sleep in, but suckish cuz I missed seeing Mikey and also some quizzes and work too.

Yesterday I was a little better but my sinuses were way clogged and it was giving me a massive head and neck ache. BUT.

I got to hug a small, blond, German child by the name of Felix. HE IS SO FUCKING ADORABLE.

Work made my day today. Kris and Deb's relationship is a little rocky and the things they say...it's almost like a sitcom.

Watched Horton Hears A Who on Free Movies On Demand. It was cute. =)

Tomorrow is Valley Voyages at the lovely hour of 7am. Outside. In the rain.

Yippe?

BUT the presentations are now being held on the 26th? I could have sworn before it was the 28th. I'm not complaining though. I get to celebrate the anniversary of one of the greatest UPS men to ever deliver to the SWACO warehouse. =)

JJ's foot has been getting mega bad this week- someone accidentally stepped on his heel in the hall and it basically set him into a relapse. Tensions are pretty high and everyone is fucking stressed out of their minds.

Planning on getting a haircut soon. Then to call the lady down the street to do some alterations on my dress for prom.

To which I've also been thinking lately...

Prom? Walking across the stage to grab a fake diploma?

I feel like people make it all too dramatic. Prom is nice because it's a time to celebrate the fact you actually graduated but I don't see spending hundreds of dollars on a dress and hair and shoes alone. I've heard girls say their dresses were $200=$400. And that's JUST the dress. Not even the shoes. Where do they even get that kind of money?

And the whole walking across the stage thing? I don't need a ceremony just give me my fucking diploma and let me get out of here. Half the time everyone is freaking out on whether or not they're gonna trip or shake with the wrong hand. Plus it takes hours and it's not exactly the most fun thing in the world.

I guess it's just the excitement that the 4 worst years of your life are over.

But maybe I'm just being negative. Either way I'll enjoy myself.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Saturday was fun. Spent the day with my Mikey- golfing. It was really fucking cold, but it was fun (to a point =p). Then he went to work and I went over to my Grammy's to have dinner with her, my Uncle Scott and my little bro. Then I got to take a shower at her house (she has the best shower ever). We all watched a Star Trek Voyage together before I was back to Michael's again where we were having a movie night with him, Nathan, and Nathan's girlfriend Jamie.

Michael just got Netflix so we were searching for movies and arguing over which ones to watch and then...we saw it.

The Iron Giant.


Best movie ever when we were all little. So we watched it again. It was good all the same. =)

Then we went from a nice little cartoon to Saw 6. Which was, although slightly disturbing and gory a pretty good movie. I really liked the concept of it.

Sunday I spent the day in my PJ's.

School today was crazy. The morning bell rang early, the computer system was down (AGAIN), and not only was it raining outside but it was raining inside too.

The best part about today though was that today was my 1 year anniversary with my Mikey. I made him a card this morning with crayons and he took me out to Apple Bee's. =)

Our waiter was gay, and his name was Paul B. so I called him Pauly B. He was so nice. =p

Tonight I gotta study for English, Government and do a little VV stuff as well. Time to get my poet on yo.

=)

Slowin Down For Now

At work right now. All my office work is finished and I've been workin warehouse most of the day. Larry taught me how to get an order approved as well as a few more things. He even told me 'good job' a few times which made me feel a lot better. It's just been one of those months where you feel that everything you do is a mistake and you can't stop worrying about it. And every time I hear about a problem going on I think it has to do with me. Quite annoying. None of them have been me- yet... Hung out at Jackie's and we spend hours searching for online coupons for Zeppie's. Couldn't find any. And Ginonino's was way cheaper anyways, so we got pizza and spicy boneless garlic wings there. Once we had our munchies we watched the movie 'Hide and Seek'. Next day I hung out with Mikey. We fell asleep together under his electric blankie and when we woke up it was like a winter wonderland outside! The both of us just kinda held each other and watched it fall. We couldn't relax for long though because we had to go to dinner at my Grammy's which was yummy. Last night I worked all day and then my Aunt DB took Michael, JJ, and myself out to dinner at Reddi's pizza. We went back to her house after and Michael set up her new cable box...she was so excited at all the new channels she was getting. Greg in the office is getting married tomorrow. I'm so excited for him. He's going to Mexico for his honeymoon too...I told him to bring me back some drugs. ;p Don't know what my plans are tonight. I gotta call Akron U about some thing and then start writing my stuff for my VV presentation. Which is on the 28 of this month. Again. I'm only pissy because that will be the 3rd year anniversary of his death...maybe it's good I have the distraction though. Day of silence is the 15...gotta get t shirt monies in maybe...if not I know I'll participate. Which reminds me I should see if I have to work that day... Well, some new orders are coming in now! Gotta go pull 'em, pack 'em, and ship 'em! I love the warehouse.

Hmm...Hmm...Hmm...

Hmm.

Went out with Jackie to Reddi's and also on an adventure to see her grandma on Friday. Saturday I had two birthday parties to go to. =)

Got in touch with two of my cousins.

Hung out with Mikey on Sunday.

Been working for my Lumpy Pumpkin...may get paid more. Hope so. =)

Gonna be workin two full days Thursday and Friday...kinda lookin forward to it I guess cuz it'll mostly be in the warehouse! =)

Gotta work on my VV stuffs too...and photo project.

Hmm...

Fear

It's been a rough two days...discussion in physiology kinda set off some surpressed thoughts and feelings almost to the point where I could hardly control myself.

Made answering the phones at work a bitch.

I haven't pulled an all-nighter this year at all which is strange considering I normally pulled 1-2 each week. I even pulled one for 5 days straight as a freshie....got very sick though...don't try that...

Many family members and teachers always say I work so hard because they think that it's my busy life and schoolwork that is the cause.

Really the reason is because I'm afraid that if I go to sleep and then wake up in the morning...my mother will not.

I know I'm not the only one that lives with similar fear and that it will happen eventually...but if it happens now, I know I won't be ready for it. I've always intended to be much, much older when that time comes.

But with her addiction to caffeine, cigarettes and medication, along with many other health problems...I often wonder if she'll even make it to see me graduate sometimes. I can't talk about this with people in person, otherwise the waterworks will come just like they have now.

Maybe I just shouldn't be so selfish because, like I said before, I'm not the only one who has or have had this problem...but I just love my mother too much.

Mmmm...

Kind of annoyed that I've had to keep changing everyone's schedule and that I now still have to work today and miss my GSA meeting because SOMEBODY took more hours at work.

I know you have no money to your name and that ya need to pay for a lot of stuff.

I know you need to put money towards a car for college.

But shit. You knew how many people were involved and how we had to change our week around this. And doing it at 8PM the night before the dinner?

Also, you still have a WHOLE box of chocolate? You knew your mom wasn't going to sell them way before the due date. And you didn't think to bring them to school or give it to me to sell at work till the very last night? Bull.

I don't care that you don't have any money but sometimes the way you handel your money problems pisses me the fuck off.

GASPABALOOZA

I don't think anyone can possibly fathom how fucking scared I was to go onto my computer today.

I went on...but I'm still kinda scared after everything.

But excited at the same time.

I don't know why it took so long to believe you.

Lesson learned, I'm never listening to my drug addict mother ever again. That's for sure.

And either way...this is kinda like...one of the best days of my life.

Hopeless Thinking Rambles

Ever since it happened I think about it every day...

Was is all my fault? Was it your fault? Was it really anybodies fault or just a fluke?

In the end you denied ever being involved but I've heard tale that you were. You and your ass of a boyfriend. I find it funny, myself saying that about him, when I knew your boyfriend longer than you did and I only just realized how much of an ass he was (think that's why I liked him so much sometimes actually...)...yet we were such good friends him and me...considered ourselves best friends (think his being an ass is why I liked him so much sometimes actually...). He told me things he wouldn't tell anyone. So did you.

So. I still can't understand. Why would you OR him do that?

Was is revenge?

Because I stopped doing things for you? Didn't see you as much?

I know I did bad in that. It happened with Andy. And it started happening with Michael too.

Maybe it was the whole honeymoon phase...I don't know. But I know that it's not acceptable.

I remember saying no to you so many times, that I had plans with either of them when I was with them. But you kept trying anyways.

In the end I know I should have made more time for you...I dunno why I stopped really.

But did that give any of you an excuse to tell my parents information I trusted you would keep to yourself?

Maybe it was some asinine way of trying to protect me from Michael. Because you thought he was this terrible person and that he was just using me or something. I honestly don't know. All communication really just kind of stopped after it happened. I was so shocked to hear where the information came from. Even since then I still have trust issues. I can't even trust myself anymore.

We never really got to really talking about what happened. We chatted through Facebook a little bit, you invited me to dinner. Then one day you snapped at me in a text and I snapped at you back and we haven't had contact since.

To be honest I don't even really remember what I said. I think it was something along the lines of you trying to control me and that I was done with it.

Another reason. Why I thought you did it. Or he did it.

You wanted to control me. I can't blame you...both of you have had too many events in your life where you couldn't control things...whether it was a dying father or divorced parents or whatever. So you tried to control what little you could. It's quite easy actually...you don't even really have to because you're friends and think on the same track, but even the best of friends have two totally different ideas on some things.

I dunno. I'm rambling.

My relationship with Michael is going strong. The rumors about him weren't true- obviously- and we'll be together a year on April 4th.

I still tell him stories about us. All the stupid/awesome things we've done. At least you and me.

Whether it was because you were trying to hurt me, protect me, or control me...I guess I forgive you. I don't know.

A lot of people say that because of what happened I should keep it like we are...which is nothing. But for some reason I just can't stop thinking about you and what we had.

I was the one that made the decision to stop talking in the end. I couldn't talk to you. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't trust you or your boyfriend or even, as I said before, myself for that matter.

You were the one that invited me to dinner that one time. So I guess that showed you have the same thoughts in terms of wishing we had a relationship again.

I still wonder if you do.

I don't know how to approach you.

I've heard you've been convinced that I left you for Michael. I didn't. I would have been happy to have both of you. But because of what happened in July I felt betrayed.

You probably feel betrayed too.

Maybe we should just talk about what happened. One on one. Our thoughts on the situation and all that.

See if this really can be revived.

I've heard stories of people forgiving their friends and relatives for even the most evilest of things just because they loved them and their relationship was so good before it.

Maybe that's what I should have done.

I don't think I could have though.

I don't know.

I still check on your Facebook page and read Rayy's blog to try and get information to make sure you're okay.

I heard you had a bad weekend. I still wish I was there for you.

I wonder if you even read my blog or care for me anymore.

I wonder if you hate me.

I wonder if you would even want to talk to me again anymore.

I wonder what you think of me.

Probably the most terrible person you ever met I'm sure. Which I guess I deserve. I don't know.

No matter what happens in my life I always make it out to be my fault. Maybe it always is. I don't know. God forbid I ever get into an abusive relationship.

If you still wanna talk...or even just tell me about how much of a terrible person I am...poke me on facebook or text me or call me or something.

If anything I just need to know why it happened. Who actually did it. And who was involved in the whole thing.

Maybe I'll post this on the comment section of your blog because I'm impatient...I don't know.

I'm actually afraid to text you or anything. I don't know why I'm not afraid to do this...

Shit. I don't even think this makes sense.

Or if I'm even using the right words and just making you even more pissed at me. I'm sure when I called your boyfriend an ass you kind went "Um...bitch say what?" I would too. Cuz in the end no matter what he is your boyfriend...

I just don't know anymore.

Sometimes I cry. Because I just don't know. I don't understand.

Do you cry? I'm sure you did.

Do you now?

Do you even care?

Do you wish...we could start over?