If there was a god...

I'd slit his throat and friggin burn him.

My mom was okay today. Her leg was fine, she didn't feel headachey, she was in a happy mood, it was a great mother's day. Well in the last two hours she just got really sick, really fast.

My mom is the most smart, caring, kindest person I've ever known in my life and she works so hard. She deserves so much. Yet what does she get? Well, when my dad isn't picking a fight or insulting her or she isn't dealing with some asshole somewhere she's lying sick in bed, puking her guts out in a trashcan with the most terrible migraine you can ever imagine.

She does all this good stuff, even when she's SICK, and that's what happens to her?

What the fuck?

What did she do to deserve that? What could she have possibly done to have her have to suffer that much?

And it's not like this is a once a year thing, this is like a once every how many days thing.

I hate seeing her like that. I hate it. She's so weak, and she's so sick and every time she gets sick she feels so sorry and so ashamed we have to see her like that.

And I get so scared and feel so helpless because you can't do anything about it and most of the time she has to go to the ER and I always have to wait and see if she made it again this time. Because even though my mom is tough, in the back of my mind I know one of these days she just isn't going to and my dad is going to come home from the ER around 3 in the morning and she's not going to be in the car with him and she'll never be in the car with him or with us unless it's like a fucking hearse.

I have no clue what I would do without my mom. I can't even begin to describe how messed up I would be if I would ever lose her. And I defiantly can't even describe how messed up I would be if I lost her to one of those migraines.

Everyone is always worried when she's sick. Jj always cries when she goes to the ER. What do you think is going to happen if that time comes when she never comes back? What would happen to him? What would happen to all of us?

And I always get so fucking pissed off because this shouldn't be happening to her! She should be sitting out on the deck right now or something, hugging a book or talking on the phone, not lying in bed, hugging an ice pack to her head and trying not to lose it from all the pain.

And get this, even when she's sick she'll work her ass off still. If Lee Eaton needed this by this date, or if someone needed the best cheese cake ever made (hers) or if it's Christmas cards that need to be mailed, or bills to pay, or stuff we need for school to be filled out, she'll get it done, on time and have it be a hell of a lot better than any healthy person who did it.

She always tells us, that even though she's sick, that us kids make up for it and we're the greatest in the world, and that we make her so happy, even if we do some pretty stupid ass stuff.

But is that really enough? Does she really just deserve us? Does she really deserve me, a stupid, emotionally messed up girl, who can never get more than merit roll in school and that doesn't even have a future or any real great talent? I must really be missing something here.

My mom had a stroke in her 30's and had to re-learn everything, from how to walk to the alphabet. She's gone through surgery without anesthetic, baked 7 cheese cakes in one night, and has made me proud to have her as a mom.

But even after all that this happens, almost all the time.

And I can't stop it.







I wish I had my pocket knife back.