Ear plugs please?

*sigh*

so dinner came, and my dad suddenly starts yelling at Jj cuz apparently he wasn't holding his fork correctly which in my book since he was eating at home I'm thinking 'who gives a fuck?' but I don't say that out loud.

dad: jj hold your fork right now, you're like an animal
me: humans are animals
dad: no they aren't
me: mhm, we're just smarter, waaaaay smarter, and have better thumbs! *thumbs up*
dad: *shut the fuck up glare*

this proves a few things:
1. my dad needs to go back to school
2. he needs to get a sense of humor
3. he also needs to take a chill pill

we all start quietly munching on our food and dad then asks me if I asked my friends about golfing with them this summer. The 'friends' he's talking about is really a 'friend' and that's Ashley O, who I really only talk to at lunch. I told him that we're gonna call each other up during the summer, which is the truth, and he starts going off on how on Monday's and Wednesday I'm going to be working for him, and that Tuesday I have my golf league and stuff like that, my summer that he's all planned out apparently. Then he says something about another league (this one all girls though) I could join on Thursday. I told him I really don't want to because in truth I hate the golf leagues. I really don't make any friends there, and I don't really see what I learn except that I need to work on my driver which I already know.

Well I guess saying that I didn't like the leagues so much set him off because he then he yells a me saying that he's spent all his time and money planning the golf things and stuff, and that I'm a loser and a quitter and I always give up, and I'm never good enough, and never can reach a goal and that right here right now I should decide whether or not I'm going to do golf this summer because if not he'll just sell the clubs to some kid that actually wants and is good at golf and will use them.

Look at all that motivation! Gee thanks dad! I really know I can actually live up to something for you now!

Anyways, he keeps yelling at me, and I push away from the table, slam the door and go up in the guest room and start tearing up, feeling sorry for leaving Dev, having dinner being ruined, and leaving a bit of food my mom slaved over most of the day on my plate and also feeling sorry for Jj cuz I know he hates seeing me like that.

My mom comes up about 2 minutes later, gives me a hug, and then yells at me saying that my bedroom is a mess, and how I can never keep it clean for more than two seconds.

Even more motivation!

I'd like to point out some things from the above:

1. dad saying how he's spent all his time and money planning things out for golf

Yes, thanks for buying me golf clubs, getting me lessons, taking me to the range and stuff like that, I really appreciate it. But I didn't ask for you to plan out my whole summer around golf and working for you, I have more of a life outside of that. I didn't ask to try out for the golf team, you always just made it seem that I HAD to do this. I didn't ask to be on a league this year, you always just went ahead behind my back and signed me up. I didn't ask for you to drive me around and plan when I need to go to the range, I can ask mom and plan things myself. I'm 14, I can do things like that. Also, I can also plan the things around MY schedule not YOUR schedule.

2. I'm a quitter and I always give up

Well you can see where my motivation is coming from for golf, but I don't remember quitting anything, or giving up cept on maybe math, but I'm more lazy at that. I haven't stopped working out either now have I?

3. dad: "I'll sell the clubs some kid that actually wants and is good at golf and will use them."

Thanks once again. I guess all those complements you've given me all the past were just lies then.

4. My room being messy

My room wasn't messy. There were just the sleeping bags on the floor that a slept on, Dev's stuff, and my stuffed animals spread about the room. Once Dev packed, I put away the sleeping bags, and piled all the animals it looked clean.

Also, I try to keep my room clean but it's hard when I spend almost everyday up here now, and why do you care it's not YOUR room, it's MY room and maybe I like it this way.

It's sad to know that the only confidence I get for golfing now is from random strangers at a golf range.

Do I want to quit? Yes.

Am I going to quit? No.

Why? Cuz I'm not a QUITTER.

The only reason I did golf really was because when I was young I thought it would get my dad to love me more. As I got older I thought that was silly. Doesn't seem as silly now though. It seems like the only way to live up to his expectations is to golf and be on the pro tour and stuff.

Sorry dad, guess I'm a failure.

Back to the say I guess. Dev came up after awhile and asked if I had a knife. I said know, but told her to be honest, I was really thinking about it, and thinking about it hard. She told me she worries about me- and not in that 'ha ha i worry about you sometimes' way because I'm funny or something.

I'm sorry everyone. I really didn't mean to make you worry. I shouldn't have told you guys I guess, you all have your own problems and enough to worry about.

These last few days, especially when Rayy and Dev were here, I woke up will more self confidence that I've ever had in a long time, and looking forward to what seemed like a great summer of 08. It's amazing how all of that can just disappear in the blink of an eye.

It's hot in my room.

I should have showered today, now I smell like chlorine for school tomorrow, great.

The blemish cream doesn't seem to be working so I guess I'm coming to school ugly too.

I'm tired but I'm too hot to go to sleep.

I guess I should stop making this post even longer seeing that I posted today already.

ily.