.

Even after the long blog post spilling my heart out, the acceptance, and the night out on the town and movie night I'm still confused again as to whether or not I should have even bothered.

Two things just keep running through my head.

1. The night on the town. For whatever reason I paid for your food which I kick myself for every time. But I wanted to try my best to see if we could work again...so I did anyways. That's not what I keep running though my head though. The first thing I keep running though my head was your response as to why you wanted to start talking again. I told you it was because I didn't like the way it ended and it killed me to think that we had something so good and that it disappeared.

Your reason?

"Well the reason why I started talking to you again was cuz I saw you had no friends."

I was completely stunned by the comment. But I let my self hatred come in and let it pass, made me think that maybe I deserve it a little and told you that yes I really didn't have any other friend like you and that I truly clicked with at this point. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not really people I would invited over my house on a boring 'ole Saturday or something.

I let you live in the moment. Make you think that you're truly the only shining start in my life because I haven't had another relationship like ours.

I even hugged you when I left.

Now comes the 2nd thing that I keep replaying in my mind.

2. Your birthday party.

I thought that we were making some pretty good progress especially since I got to go to your party. The fact that it was at Ryan's bothered me the most, but I did my best to ignore it because, as I said again, I wanted to try my best to make this work at least somewhat.

I ignored the fact that I had already been replaced because I really couldn't see any reason why you wouldn't. But what really got me that night was really the final thing that happened.

We were playing charades and I got the which from left for dead. You all started saying how you were getting tired of the game and how you didn't want to guess but you knew what it was. And then that's when he said it.

Instead of a witch he called me a bitch and I can't help but feel that it was on purpose. What I also couldn't help was noticing that when he said it you had a little smile on your face and you were trying not to laugh.

But I ignored it.

And even planned a movie date.

After that we've talked....maybe a few times? And you normally just end the conversation by not saying anything anymore.

So...I can't help but feel that you really don't even care anymore. You really only cared that I knew that you didn't do it.

Don't get me wrong, in person when we hung out it almost felt like old times and I still believe you.

But I guess you've pretty much moved on and that maybe I should just give up and move on to because what's been done is done.

It just kinda makes me sad that it seemed so much easier for you.

Maybe it's because I don't have any meds or a replacement standing by.

College is coming soon and we'll both have new groups of people to hang out with anyways...

I dunno. Guess I'm still just trying to recover.

I dunno.

I don't know what to think anymore.