Hopeless Thinking Rambles

Ever since it happened I think about it every day...

Was is all my fault? Was it your fault? Was it really anybodies fault or just a fluke?

In the end you denied ever being involved but I've heard tale that you were. You and your ass of a boyfriend. I find it funny, myself saying that about him, when I knew your boyfriend longer than you did and I only just realized how much of an ass he was (think that's why I liked him so much sometimes actually...)...yet we were such good friends him and me...considered ourselves best friends (think his being an ass is why I liked him so much sometimes actually...). He told me things he wouldn't tell anyone. So did you.

So. I still can't understand. Why would you OR him do that?

Was is revenge?

Because I stopped doing things for you? Didn't see you as much?

I know I did bad in that. It happened with Andy. And it started happening with Michael too.

Maybe it was the whole honeymoon phase...I don't know. But I know that it's not acceptable.

I remember saying no to you so many times, that I had plans with either of them when I was with them. But you kept trying anyways.

In the end I know I should have made more time for you...I dunno why I stopped really.

But did that give any of you an excuse to tell my parents information I trusted you would keep to yourself?

Maybe it was some asinine way of trying to protect me from Michael. Because you thought he was this terrible person and that he was just using me or something. I honestly don't know. All communication really just kind of stopped after it happened. I was so shocked to hear where the information came from. Even since then I still have trust issues. I can't even trust myself anymore.

We never really got to really talking about what happened. We chatted through Facebook a little bit, you invited me to dinner. Then one day you snapped at me in a text and I snapped at you back and we haven't had contact since.

To be honest I don't even really remember what I said. I think it was something along the lines of you trying to control me and that I was done with it.

Another reason. Why I thought you did it. Or he did it.

You wanted to control me. I can't blame you...both of you have had too many events in your life where you couldn't control things...whether it was a dying father or divorced parents or whatever. So you tried to control what little you could. It's quite easy actually...you don't even really have to because you're friends and think on the same track, but even the best of friends have two totally different ideas on some things.

I dunno. I'm rambling.

My relationship with Michael is going strong. The rumors about him weren't true- obviously- and we'll be together a year on April 4th.

I still tell him stories about us. All the stupid/awesome things we've done. At least you and me.

Whether it was because you were trying to hurt me, protect me, or control me...I guess I forgive you. I don't know.

A lot of people say that because of what happened I should keep it like we are...which is nothing. But for some reason I just can't stop thinking about you and what we had.

I was the one that made the decision to stop talking in the end. I couldn't talk to you. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't trust you or your boyfriend or even, as I said before, myself for that matter.

You were the one that invited me to dinner that one time. So I guess that showed you have the same thoughts in terms of wishing we had a relationship again.

I still wonder if you do.

I don't know how to approach you.

I've heard you've been convinced that I left you for Michael. I didn't. I would have been happy to have both of you. But because of what happened in July I felt betrayed.

You probably feel betrayed too.

Maybe we should just talk about what happened. One on one. Our thoughts on the situation and all that.

See if this really can be revived.

I've heard stories of people forgiving their friends and relatives for even the most evilest of things just because they loved them and their relationship was so good before it.

Maybe that's what I should have done.

I don't think I could have though.

I don't know.

I still check on your Facebook page and read Rayy's blog to try and get information to make sure you're okay.

I heard you had a bad weekend. I still wish I was there for you.

I wonder if you even read my blog or care for me anymore.

I wonder if you hate me.

I wonder if you would even want to talk to me again anymore.

I wonder what you think of me.

Probably the most terrible person you ever met I'm sure. Which I guess I deserve. I don't know.

No matter what happens in my life I always make it out to be my fault. Maybe it always is. I don't know. God forbid I ever get into an abusive relationship.

If you still wanna talk...or even just tell me about how much of a terrible person I am...poke me on facebook or text me or call me or something.

If anything I just need to know why it happened. Who actually did it. And who was involved in the whole thing.

Maybe I'll post this on the comment section of your blog because I'm impatient...I don't know.

I'm actually afraid to text you or anything. I don't know why I'm not afraid to do this...

Shit. I don't even think this makes sense.

Or if I'm even using the right words and just making you even more pissed at me. I'm sure when I called your boyfriend an ass you kind went "Um...bitch say what?" I would too. Cuz in the end no matter what he is your boyfriend...

I just don't know anymore.

Sometimes I cry. Because I just don't know. I don't understand.

Do you cry? I'm sure you did.

Do you now?

Do you even care?

Do you wish...we could start over?