Raaaaaa...

...wr.

The snow is pretty. I may go out and take pictures today of the park to send to my new pen pal in Taiwan. Her name is Smile. =]

When your boyfriend of almost 3 years still doesn't believe you're bisexual.














Does anyone else think I'm making this shit up?

Are You Alive?

Two people texted me that yesterday.

YES, I'm alive. I'm and work. Or I'm doing homework. The only two things I do until Friday comes swinging around.

Stop fucking asking me that.



There were way too many idiots on the road this morning. I'm still steaming.



P.S If you're not passing anyone get the fuck out of the left lane.

God I want today to be over and nothing really has even happened. I'm so overly annoyed with everyone and everything lately.

Fuck.

I tried doing one of those compromising things where you try to make everyone happy.

It used to work a lot for me when I was younger.

Now that I'm older it seems like shit just hit's the fan.

No one is willing to compromise anymore in my life.

It's either Yes or No. I can't get people to try and help me make a balance. Even if it means that the thing they wanted would still happen, just not in the exact way they planned it.

And then when things completely go to shit, I'm always the one that end's up being the bad guy.

So I figure, if both people can't be happy, then no one is going to be happy. That way no one can say I'm choosing sides or not taking the time to realize their needs or something.

It leaves me the unhappiest, due to the fact I've disappointed/failed two people instead of one.

But that's okay.

I need to start being more independent. I used to not really rely on anyone for my happiness. Now it completely depends on me being with someone. Whether it's a boyfriend or a friend, I'm only at my most happiest now if someone is there.

I don't like that.

I need to start relying mostly on myself again. And I need to quit telling people things and just be quite again.

I won't voice my opinion and I won't really tell people how I'm feeling anymore. If anything is wrong, I'll tell the majority no and if they persist I'll just say I'm tired.

No more wearing my heart on my sleeve. That way if I'm feeling down only I can pick myself back up.

It is now 10PM and instead of being with my boyfriend or RP and Bill I'm home alone.

But that's okay.

I'll be okay.




I wish all the above were true.

Hopefully this is just another one of those 'moments' and everything will work out tomorrow.

I just really wished it would have worked out today.

I just really wish I didn't feel so empty and a complete disappointment to myself.

As The Saying Goes

Good things come to those who wait.







4 years feels like long time to wait.






I hope I'm wrong.

Bad Decisions

I GUESS it was a bad decision, given that I now feel so guilty about it.

I had a chance to go to my first LIVE band with my father. It's Richard Elliot, a smooth jazz player. A very good one. AND I get a chance to meet him, which is also super cool.

BUT the concert is on Michael's birthday.

A friend of mine had already gotten the tickets and I had gotten so excited about seeing him I asked if my Dad wanted to come too because I knew he'd love it. I didn't even put together, until everything was already set, that it was on Michael's birthday.

When I first told him, he said it was fine. He's a big boy, I figured he would be.

Well apparently he's NOT fine and he's upset. How upset, I don't know. But now that the day is coming up, he keeps on making comments about how I'm not invited or how the first thing I should do for his birthday is to show up.

I know he's slightly joking, but only slightly.

On my past birthday he had to work and even I did so we celebrated on a different day. I'll only be gone for a few hours. It's just those few hours are during the birthday dinner and present/cake time.

I can see his side of it. It's that ONE important day that you want your special someone to be there. And the concert was optional, unlike work.

I see it as:

1. He'll have plenty more birthdays and NEITHER of us can make every single one
2a. I'll get to be there on that day, I just have to leave for a bit. So it's not like I'm completely ditching him for the concert
2b. I even offered to come to his house right after school so we can spend more time together and for that I feel he should be happy
3. This is something my Dad and I have always wanted to do, and while there may be more concerts, I don't know when there will be and the time I have left with my father is certainly shorter than the time I have left with Mikey

If the situation were turned I would have missed him but I feel I would have understood and just enjoyed the time I had with him that day.

Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize.

I dunno.

Maybe I'm just an inconsiderate, selfish bitch.

Either way, it's too late to turn back now. I'm afraid I won't enjoy the concert anymore because I know Mikey would be sad. But since I made my choice I'm gonna have to enjoy it. And if Mikey pulls any shit and hardly talks/goes near me/looks at me on that day, I'll just have to deal. I'll cry on the drive back home.

I'm gonna try to make it up to him by getting him his sunglasses for his birthday, even though I told him I'd get them for him on Christmas. Maybe that will make it up.

Maybe he's saying he's upset now because he knows I'll give him his glasses early to make it up to him if he says he is.

That's terrible to think. I always think people are out to get me, no matter who they are. I think the only one out to get me is myself. If that even makes sense.

I haven't felt this sad in awhile. Maybe that's why I've wanted to start cutting so bad again. I think half the reason why is because I don't have a sharp enough blade and the other half is because it would make Mikey even more upset as well as my mother if she found out.

I made a promise.

That doesn't mean I want to keep it.

I wish I knew what to say. I feel like anything I do say is just a meaningless excuse to him.

Slippery Slope

I've think I've reached that point in my life again where I just want to stay away from all who I work and go to school with, sit in my room, and just cut myself and snuggle in my electric blanket.

To me, that sounds like a lovely idea.

I don't think the temptation to do so will ever go away, quite the opposite to what I thought.

I'm in biology. I like biology. Econ is next though. And I may very well just shoot myself to save the agony of going.

NEVER go to Akron for an econ class. I'm sorry my Dad wasted his money on it. The only reason I have to not fail is so I don't have to deal with my teacher again.

Stress.

If I have too much work, I'm stressed. If I don't have enough work (especially after a period of having way too much) I'm stressed. So basically, no matter what happens I'm stressed.

*pokes stress*

Hey. Cut that out.








I suddenly feel regretful for almost every decision I've made in life. I gotta stop this shit.

YAY COLLEGE =D WHO KNEW IT'D BE THIS FUN?!

I feel like all my life school has kept telling me:

"Hey, no matter what you do, you're pretty good at! BUT, you will never get your shit together enough to matter."

Dammit, why couldn't I have been a brunette? My hair color HAS to be part of my stupidity. It just has to.

I Don't Know Why

But this secret gives me hope. It calms me. It makes me cry and it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing.

Mhm Yep Yep

It was stress.

I was sick.

But getting better.

Gave myself a pep talk.

Got good friend near and far that care.

Life is good. =]

Going To Bed

Is the hardest part of the day for me right now.  I have too much time to think.  I wish I could just take a pill and sleep instantly.

I wish I could figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

Maybe its just stress.

That's what everyone keeps telling me at least.

Sometimes I wish I was a freshman again.  Just kept to myself, and slit my wrists to solve my problems (kay maybe we can skip that part...maybe) and not bother others with them.

I don't want to have to rely on people.  And now I feel I do too much.  I feel I rely too much on Michael for my happiness now and I HATE that.

I need to find that happy medium and fast.

Ugh.  Curse my dramatic emotional issues.

Curse my new-formed dependency issues.

I can make myself happy God dammit, I just got to remember how. ><

Sometimes, on my not so busy weekends when you're at work, I cry because I miss you that much.

Not like full out sobbing, but I'll tear up from time to time.

All the boys at work say you're not good enough for me. Which is typical because they're the equivalent of a crazy uncle/big brother.

And I DO think there are some things you need to work on. Some pretty big things, others small. And I DO wonder where you'll be in the next few years. Sometimes I fear not far. And I DO wish I hadn't met you so soon. I was planning on some flings and I think some experience would have done us both good (in the bedroom and on the emotional side).

But everyone isn't perfect. And you're very smart as well as hardworking. Just as well, the memories I've made with you so far are cherished.

Sometimes I get scared though. Like I'm running out of time.

I have a new 'suitor' if you will. He's quite tempting. From the pictures I've seen of him, he's at least attractive. From texting him he's quite a tease (and one that sends my thoughts south...). He's also older, 21 I think. So a tad bit more mature...

In all honesty he sounds like a great fuck. Though I'll never know, because I'm with you. (Which sounds like a terrible thing to say).

But then I see you. And I love you all over again and couldn't give a shit about anything except being with you.

Sometimes I wonder if I miss you and love you so much because you don't make me feel lonely.

I wonder if my new suitor could make me as happy as you do.

But I would never risk the chance of finding out because that involves loosing you. It's something I can't imagine doing, though have been told it may be good for my health.

I'm afraid if I asked you if you felt similar that you'd think I love you less. In all honesty, I'm just curious. It's like, if you're feeling the same, I'd take that as some type of confirmation that I'm doing something right.

I dunno.

Sometimes relationships to me feel like ball and chain.

Yet I think I'm still glad I'm attached to you. I see a future with you. I've never seen one with anyone else before.

That means something, right?

I've just never imagined being in one of those high school sweetheart relationships. The thought never appealed.

Maybe that's why.

Motherhood

RELAX I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Nor do I ever want to be.

Which is the problem.

For my 19 years of living, I've never imagined having a child in my future. A partner? Yes. Baby sitting Jj's possible children and being the 'cool aunt'? Yes. But having one of my own? No.

This past Friday, Michael, his mother, and myself went to visit his 3 month old baby cousin (who is the talk of the family). Grace is her name, and she is the most aware little bundle of joy I've ever seen. The family is already calling her a genius baby. She's practically perfect too. Eats well, sleeps through the night, is hardly ever fussy. I got to hold her and even feed/burp her, which I guess was pretty cool. I love babies. They're adorable. Many little kids are.

But that's about it. Just because I think kids are adorable, doesn't mean I want to raise one of my own. Baby sitting Makenna once a day is enough. I'd hate to have to deal with a kid EVERY DAY. Cute or not, kids are work. And I think I'm too selfish to have any.

My view is, if you have a kid, that child should be your number one priority. Their well-being will always come before your own or anyone elses for the most part. And I just don't want to make a child my priority. A child isn't just like a pet either, where all ya gotta do is feed it, let it out and give it attention. You have to TEACH them things too. Not just school shit, life lesson shit.

I just don't want to do that. The lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. Yet everyone keeps telling me: "That'll change when you're older", "It's because you're at a time where you don't need kids, so there's no reason to want them", "It's nature."

When people tell me these things, it just scares me. I'm so adamant that I don't ever want my own children and for that desire to completely change seems unnatural to me. I don't wanna have a kid because of some basic human survival trait, I wanna have a kid because I wanted to start a family and because I wanted to play a motherly role.

And I don't want to do those things.

But people are so adamant that I will, or even that I must do it. The whole, "that's just what people do" thing. Ya get married, ya have kids. It's like, ingrained in everyone's minds. Except for my stupid mind.

Michael made a brief comment that if we ever got married, he'd want a kid (though he'd want to adopt one). I told him, I've just never wanted kids and got the same "that'll change" BS paired with the "you have to do it to keep on the family name" BS. If Michael and I were to ever get married, to think, that after all the time we'd spend together before that point, it could all boil down to having a kid?

THAT scares me.



Life worries me sometimes.

Drum Roll Please

Holy crap.

I get my tattoo tomorrow.

I'm so freaking excited.

;alsdkjfask;ldjf;ladsjf;lasjdfuhaerf

I'm waiting for myself to get scared. Not of the pain, but of regretting it. Simply because so many people (mostly the ones who are against it) keep saying that I will.

So far, I'm more afraid of not being able to explain its meaning well enough, not that I'll regret it.

We'll see.

I hope it turns out like I imagine it in my head.

I'm sure Phil will hit the mark. =)

Lemon

They were doing a documentary about heroin on Drugs Inc today. So I watched it. I've never really known how it was made or where it came from. Apparently it comes from the opiate based sap in this beautiful flower and is then dried and has chemicals added to it.

The high you get from it is intense, and the low after is apparently devastating. Addicts have to shoot up at least twice a day before they go though withdrawal.

My mother has been taking Demerol since before she met my father. Basically, it's heroin without calling it heroin.

I understand my mother has medical issues.

But I can't help but really think that most of them now are attributed to her drug habits. I'm starting to be able to tell when my mother is running low on meds. She can't function without them. She's not happy without them. She can't LIVE without them now even.

And I don't think she knows it.

It's crazy to me that such a smart, strong, accomplished woman can be so blind. Maybe she knows it and just doesn't give a shit anymore. The whole "well, it's too late to back out now!" way of thinking.

Maybe.

I doubt it.

I've tread waters with this topic before, but have never really wanted to fully accept it. Mostly because I was young and confused and didn't know much. I only heard these things from my father, which is a very biased opinion, so I didn't fully believe them.

I've accepted that my mother gets sick. What I haven't accepted is her drug habit.

I NEED to accept it. If I don't, it will be following me like a cloud the rest of my life. Creeping up and putting me in crying fits like the one I'm in right now.

But in the end, I don't think I want to accept it. I don't think I can, even if I did want to. Nobody would really want to...At least, I don't think.

I wonder what she would have been like if she would have never taken Demerol. I wonder if she'd be different. It scares me that she could be different.

My mother is a sweet and beautiful person, but the drugs are her sour side.





Tonight, I find it quite fitting that she is a lemon.

Tat Tat Tat

I'm getting my tattoo August 14th!! I'm so excited, yet nervous. I'm sure it'll turn out great though. I have my every confidence in Phil Robertson.

Tat

I'm super excited to get my tattoo...

I'll be starting to make an appointment At the beginning of August and hopefully get it done sometime in the fall...

Still don't know where I'm going to put it yet...

Maybe on my shoulder?

I'm looking for a belly button ring to match =p

Alone

I'm house sitting again for Anna (I baby sit for her too) while she's on vacation. Last night Dave, Michael and I partied it up but tonight it may just be me and the dog.

It made me slightly disappointed in myself that I'm a little afraid to sleep alone tonight.

I mean, to really think about it...I've NEVER really been alone in my life. Especially recently with all the time I've spent either at work, baby sitting, or with friends or Mikey. Never have I ever spent time somewhere (overnight at least) alone. I'm sure a big part of it is because it's at night that I'm spooked.

But shit. Some of my old friends and current ones would spend nights on end alone, and they were in freaking high school, or even middle school maybe. I'm going into my second year of college.

It's weird.

In the end though, I think this type of thing will be rare...I can't really imagine myself living on my own in the terms of just me in an apartment. If anything I'll have a roommate...or Mikey.

It frustrates that I depend on people so much for my happiness. I think about freshman me who really didn't care to hang with anyone and preferred to be alone. Sure, I had a lot of friends, but being alone never bothered me.

Now it does. It makes me feel very depressed. It's crazy. Makes me feel too dependent.

I give people props who can do this. =/

At least I have the dog and Mikey Bear to snuggle with tonight.

One of Those Moods?

For the last month it's been waaaay hectic. 32hr work weeks, plus baby sitting on the side, plus yard work (at home and grammy's), plus doc appts., plus taking care of mom, plus taking care of pets, plus taking care of jj and driving him everywhere, plus hanging with friends, plus hanging with boyfriend.

Now that I read it, I feel like it doesn't seem like all that much still. Yet I know I've had hardly anytime to sleep let alone eat.

In all honesty though, I kind of like it. I like the distraction. It makes me feel like my life is worth something when I'm busy, no matter how meaningless the things I'm doing are.

I mean, it's not like I'm changing the world or anything.

Last night I had some fun adventures with old friends, and some new ones. I tried something new, and caught up on everyone's lives and gossip. I'm looking forward to more nights like that. I know con will be a whole weekend of them, and I'm excited.

I'm a bit worried about Michael though, simply because he's a tad bit worried. I'm thinking I won't party too hard, or go too far with things, in order to give him a peace of mind as well as myself.

I dunno.

I tend to lose control of myself and do a lot of stupid shit at the best of times.

Meh. I need to stop worrying about the future so much, and only hope for the best things that could come out of it.

On a positive and obvious note, I found how how to fix my 'line break' problems on here. Yaaaaaaaaay short, one sentenced paragraphs!

Year 1

It's almost all over. My first year of college. All I gotta do is pass my econ test, and I'll be in the gold. And what am I doing? Fucking procrastinating. Hamilton doesn't help either. He demands attention and demands it NOW. Maybe I'll bring him into the exam... 120pts of evil.... I hope this bitch gets fired...she's a good person...but she is a TERRIBLE teacher. And I don't know how to study for a class I've never understood, nor liked... Oh well... It's gonna storm...I'm excited. It looks like a good one. =) Damn the not-spaces. Ruining my blogging format stuffs...

Shabalabadingdong

Woah. I did read about the new interface. But now that I'm actually seeing it I'm like O.O Friday was a pretty freaking awesome night. Saturday was great too. Went on an adventure and got a nice present for myself ;D Devlyn slept over Saturday night and then this morning we went to my work buddies martial arts place to take a woman's self defense class. Where we then heard about the all woman's jiu jitsu class they were gonna start in June. Which would also be free for 3 months. So Devlyn and I will be ninjas this summer. =) Very excited for con. It'll be nice to hang out with Rayy and Andy. I'm interested in hanging with all the guys she hangs with too. The weekend will be fun. =) Excited for tattoo. Though I'm juggling with the idea of adding a little more to it. At the very least shading. I'm also thinking about what type of crescent shape I want. Going to start looking for sky diving classes too. I want to take my Dad with me. I feel it'd be cool to do. I also wanna ride a hot air balloon this summer. =) Hmmmm... Finals are coming up. (eek.) Teeter-tottering on whether or not I'll pass my econ class...meh. Stupid shitty teachers. I hope my terrible review screws with her salary or something. I hope everyone else gave her a terrible review too. Meh. I kinda want my Mikey right now. I'm feeling sad. Annoying reason is I don't know why. Maybe it's just my headache screwing with me (I think it's from my sudden lack of caffeine...that's what happens when ya drink a crap ton and then stop...damn withdrawal...). But it's like I start to tear up and I'm thinking to myself "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TODAY. GET A HOLD OF YOUR EFFING SELF." Damn emotions. Always screwing with me at the best of times. I wanna start eating better. I just don't really know how yet. We'll figure it out. Just gotta keep pushing on. And why the hell isn't anything spaced??? Damn bugs...

Boo Yah

I love how my blog is really just a venue for my teenage angst. =p

Time for a happy post.

Ready?

*deep breath*

I JUST GOT THE BEST PARKING SPOT EVAH!

Shablam.

Also, my boobs look really nice and x10 bigger in the shirt that I'm wearing today. =x

--------

I would get a black crescent moon with a doctors shot going into it...but could never tell my mother that half of my struggles in life have been due to her medical issues.

TomTom suggested I get a swing on it. It's cute, makes it a bit different. I dunno though. I feel like it would ruin it in the end. Like the flow of it, and the serious of it.

At least I got out of a long Geo lab today I guess.

Asshole.

Yes. When you decided to get a tattoo I started becoming more adamant about the idea of me getting one.

No. I didn't just decide to get one when you decided to get one.

As a matter of fact mine DOES have a lot of meaning. It's just not spelled out like yours.

MAYBE other than me simply loving the moon and feeling that it describes me it used to be my muse and give me hope all those years ago when I used to slit my wrists.

MAYBE whenever I look at the moon it takes me back to the memories of that time in my life and reminds me to keep strong.

MAYBE it takes me back to those memories as a kid when I depended on the moon light to fight the monsters away and reminds me of a time of innocence in my life.

Where I was sad because I didn't get McDonalds or worried about not missing my morning cartoons. Not sad because I have to watch my mother get sicker and weaker in life and worried about my little brother and his feet and the piling medical bills and our tight budget and how my Dad is getting older and my future and making a living.

My tattoo is simple because it takes me back to a time that was simple. My tattoo will be black and not blue or white or any other solid color because it also takes me back to a dark time in my life.

My tattoo is the moon because it gives me strength and I feel I am the moon. Sometimes I'm growing and getting full while others I'm breaking down. What matters is that I keep going and shining the light that's given to me.






That sounds super lame.

Rawr. You've never been a poop head like this. So I'll forgive you.

Doesn't mean I can't be a little angry though.

Tats

I feel like they're becoming more and more popular and on campus I've come to notice how many people actually have one (or more) of them. At the very least, pretty much everyone in my close circle of friends has one or is going to get one.

Erin has hers. Mikey is getting his done probably next week. Rachel is planning on getting a few, and Devlyn has wanted wings on her back since she was in middle school.

I've always thought about getting a tattoo but have been afraid to consider one. I think they're a great form of art and I love hearing the stories or meaning behind them. However, it's a permanent thing, and many jobs look down on them.

I'm indecisive at the best of times, and I'm a business major. Both two no-nos.

For a little over a year now, I've been thinking about what I would get if I were ever to get a tattoo.

I don't have a lot of things I absolutely love or any really big experiences in my life that I want to remind myself of in that way.

But after I started thinking about it I really have come to find something that I've always loved, adored, and cherished since I was a baby Ashley.

That something is the moon.

I think it's absolutely gorgeous. When I was little I would wake up at 3AM on the nights that it was full and just stare out the window simply because I loved the blue of the light and how it shined on everything.

It's even the 'planet' for my Cancer sign, which I love as well.

The moon is something that I just think describes be perfectly and in the end, means a lot to me. It's something I would like to always have with me, and I wish I could show it to the world.

A tattoo is one way I can do that.

I'm planning on waiting until I turn 19 just to time test my decison to make sure I'm really 100% for this. And then if I am, I want it before my family reunion so I can show it off to them. =p

My idea is just a simple black crescent moon, facing outward on my right shoulder/neck area. It wouldn't be super big, just a small moon.

Only thing that concerns me is that I sunburn there easily and often...

Meh.

Well, we'll see how it goes. =)

Roller Coaster

Emotionally life has been like a roller coaster. Been getting down in the dumps lately, but now I'm going back up (since I don't think I could go down any further).

Had some great friends and family help me start the up trend though. =)

Today is mine and Mikey's two year anniversary. =DDDDD

I went over to his house at 6AM with a supply of paper, markers, and muffins. After hiding the muffins (which I must say, Giant Eagle has a shitty selection of right now...) I made a trail of clues for him to follow to get to them.

Scared his mom shitless, she thought I was someone robbing the house... =p

Been making plans for the better and going to start putting them in motion. Gonna get my shit together in econ, and start exercising again. I really wanna be in shape again and to feel good at least physically.

And I want my fucking abs back. Even if it's just a little bit of tone.

Gotta keep up with Mikey and Devlyn!

Today is Wednesday too...my Subway day! =D

Miss. Rayy needs to tell me about her con plans...so I can decide whether I can go wiff her or Devlyn... >.>

:D

High Hopes

I never have high hopes for anything and try not to get really excited about things that may happy in the future. The reason being because if I do, and those things don't happen or meet expectations, I fall from those high hopes, crash, and burn.

Even if it was something that other people would think is silly or small.

Though right now even I can't understand why I'm so upset. I'm kind of acting like a child.

I mean sure, I've looked forward to doing something like it for years. And there are rational reasons why it's not happening. And it's not like I'll never get the chance to do it again.

I dunno.

Maybe it was just bad timing.

High hopes crashing mixed with my erupting volcano of emotions (a.k.a. Ashley's every so monthly 'cry time').

We also ran out of milk so I couldn't eat my cereal.

Meh.

Some good things happened today.

-I started class scheduling (though things weren't so smooth in that department either)
-Work was okay
-I get to dog sit for the woman I also baby sit for(getting paid nicely) AND I got her the most awesomest birthday present (can't wait to see the look on her face. It's a gift certificate for a 1hr massage along with a basket of yummy smelling soaps and lotions)
-Dance Moms was on (next weeks episode looks like it's gonna be freakin crazy)
-I got to hug Mikey today

I guess they balance out.


Rawr.

=/ Humph

I've always been pretty content with life.

But now.

Just being content is starting not to be enough anymore.

All I'm doing is living.

I don't have any real purpose right now.

A lot of people have told me that's what it feels for a lot of kids my age.

I hope so.

R.

I may be wrong, but when I first met you in 8th grade you seemed like a pretty happy kid to me- aside from the pressure from your parents etc. (though that is more a cultural thing of sorts, yes?).

I think after Jackie ran to Ryan that day to complain about whatever petty problem she had with you, and him going to far (as always) and not giving a shit how much his words or actions hurt (as always) that was the catalyst of it all.

Like it was just enough to hit that right nerve, or push you over that edge.

And you've still never been able to recover.

And I've thought this even before my falling out with them (though I still may be wrong, and of course I'm being even more biased saying it now).

You are skinny, and beautiful and I really do love your blunt personality. How you say it like it is.

In fact I admire it.

I know I can never be that friend for you, that hope that you're looking for. But I'm gonna do my best to at least let you know that you have a small friend (or at least someone who worries about you and hopes you will be okay and cares) and if you ever need to vent just send a text and I can be online or call you.

Life is just too busy for me anymore for me to be online all the time unfortunately. =/

I can keep telling you how awesome I think you are over and over again (and I will) and that you're worth it. However, I know, and most importantly you know, it's only up to you to accept those things as truth, and that you are the one that has the power to pick yourself back up. A friend can only lend a helping hand and provide support.

You've acknowledged that.

And I know you can do it, many do, even if you don't think you know.

I'd tell you this in person (or at least in a more direct form than this), but I think that in a blog post if feels more meaningful, and me just telling it to you seems...I dunno, sappy in a way?

I dunno.

It sounds stupid...but before I go to bed at night I try to list 3-5 good things that happened to me that day. (Like legit, I really do this). Whether they be trivial like 'I got McDonalds today' or big like 'I got a raise' or something.

Maybe if you tried it...it could help?

Sometimes, it pays off to be a silly.

You got this hun.

Cushion

Cleveland was 3rd on the list for 'most obese cities'.

A little 'cushion for the pushin' is alright...

But if you like to roll with the rolls I think that's fucking disgusting.

People who are obese are disgusting.

People who are attracted to people who are obese are disgusting.

And people who are obese and not doing anything about it and couldn't give a shit are really fucking disgusting.

I'm thankful every day to have the metabolism that's been keeping me the super skinny bitch I am today.

I realize not everyone has it.

But when you have rolls on your rolls on your rolls...

Yeah.

Fat people are just really annoying me today.

Love and College

Woke up this morning to a giant teddy bear and heart shaped doughnuts. <3

After going to school, finding out my one class I had that day was canceled, and then driving all the way back for a long day of work...

I became Dolly Domestic for a couple of hours and made some chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate covered pretzels, and peanut butter chocolate pretzels.

Been stressin with college lately. Hell of a lot of tests last week and today I got a big ass midterm for my Geology lab.

43 rocks + 40 minerals...shit. We can- not do this...maybe kinda sorta can...

Surprisingly enough, math is one of my best grades right now (other than English).

We're hoping to pick up the pace in econ...I think I get it, but the questions she has on the test are like those where ONE word makes all the difference.

Blah.

Overall, life is going good now.

May have another possible bb-sitting job (she's two and looks positively adorable)!

Weird Feeling

I got this weird feeling...

Like...

That feeling of being prepared...

It's not like I've never been prepared before...

But for a math test?

Me. Ashley. Prepared for one?

Wooooow.... *faints*






Lets do this.

Skype Yo

I have finally gotten on Skype.

And.

I.

Love.

It.

Been talking wiff Rachel for a few days. <3

She also got me into My Drunk Kitchen. =D

School has been...well, school.

Gotta work on my eating habits.

So excited for Colossal Con too. Rachel and I were looking at hotel rooms. =)

Have to think of some cute outfits to wear...hmmm...or just sexy. I like sexy. =p

Mmm...hungry...

Small snack and then bed. <3

Yawning

So when I yawn, I stick my arms in the air, and lean back.

Which means my boobs stick out reeeally far.

Okay. So here's how lunch went.

Ashley: *finishes sammich and yawns* *goes on computer instead of studying for geo quiz next period*

Magic Card Game Nerd Boy: *glance*

Ashley: *yawns*

Magic Card Game Nerd Boy: *whispering to friend* I hope she yawns again.

Ashley: *Looks over*

Magic Card Game Nerd Boy: FUCK SHE HEARD ME.

Tables Around Us: *stare at magic card game nerd boy like WTF*

So yeah. Lunch was interesting today.

It's Coming...

Again.

The snow. o.o

Though it's more like mini pieces of hail than snow...

Don't have to bb-sit Wednesday, but I still have to Thursday which is cool.

Watching Dance Moms. <33

Also got a Skype so I can talk to miss Rayychal. =)

Rethinking

After talking with a few people, I was convinced enough that the realization is all I need and that you're not even worth saying what I was about to express to you.

However.

I may share with some people things my friends do that I don't agree with. That doesn't mean that the first thing out of my mouth to them in greeting is something like "Hey, oh you STILL don't have your license yet?" I have enough fucking respect for them not to do that.

My friends.

They're going to do things I'm not going to agree with.

And I'm going to do things that they're not going to agree with.

Accepting those things and respecting your friends regardless of that is what a real relationship is- whether it be a friendship or even a partnership.

And another thing.

Treat your friends like your patients and you won't have them for very long.






We had a good run.

But I really wish I would have kicked you out of my house that night.

I've Been Thinking

When I woke up this morning, I woke up to a much needed realization. It came in the form of strength and acceptance.

Maybe a cruel type at that, but strength and acceptance all the same.

I've learned a lot over this last year and many things have changed.

Almost all for the better.

However.

Last night I realized there are still some loose ends that need to be tied up.

Earlier in the year, I tried to tie them up before, but I've come to understand that it wasn't done in the right manner.

On the night I was trying to tie them up, there was something I should have said and done.

Why didn't I do it?

I'm still asking myself that.

I've already apologized to one of my best friends for not speaking up and not realizing that I should have until now.

So I'm halfway done.

I'll be working on my next 'apology' tomorrow and hopefully will get it out by tomorrow night or by Sunday.

It depresses me yet excites me at the same time.

The apology isn't going to be nice, no. It's just going to be filled with truth- and let's face it, sometimes the truth hurts.

Though they may or may not even give a shit about it. I don't even think they give a shit about me now.

But I'm going to do it anyways.

Simply for closure.

Simply because I'm just as much as a bitch as I am nice.

Simply because I can.

That School Thing

School starts Monday...

Feeling a little nervous.

Everything is paid for.

But...

A. I don't have my books yet.

Why? Cuz I don't feel like wasting any more fucking money... I refuse to buy a book until I know that we will absolutely need them.

B. I don't have my parking pass.

I think I applied to late to have it sent and I actually need to go down to pick it up...and I lost my old one (which expired anyways but I though maybe if I at least had something up in my window the campus popo wouldn't notice...) aaaand, since I'm so cheap I'm not driving down their again this week.

C. I have classes 5 days a week now instead of 3.

Yes, I know a lot of people have classes everyday too. But with the commuting AND work, it's gonna be a pain in the ass.

D. Those classes I have 5 days a week...I don't give a fuck about.

Math?

Great. We struggled enough in INTERMEDIATE math. Which was actually like our pre-calc in high school...ugh...

Miro?

Meh. I knew I would have to take this being a business major...but I just...hate economics...maybe it's because my high school class was super boring...

Geology?

Okay. I can handle that. It's not chemistry so I won't die...nothing is more fun than learning about rocks.

English 1?

Rawr. Should have taken that last semester...may have to take a summer class...gonna see if I can avoid that and just take an extra class next year...

So I guess half of the classes are okay (English & Geology) and the other have are just going to be the ones that kill me every day...

At least I get out earlier...12:55. So I'll have plenty of time to do homework etc.

And of course I'll get to spend plenty of money on gas getting to said classes too...

Yaaaaaaay.

At least I have my friends and my Mikey.

I hope everyone else has a less stress 2nd semester...

Can't believe I'm halfway done with college...

When we were younger we couldn't even believe that we would be IN college...

Sillies.