Lemon

They were doing a documentary about heroin on Drugs Inc today. So I watched it. I've never really known how it was made or where it came from. Apparently it comes from the opiate based sap in this beautiful flower and is then dried and has chemicals added to it.

The high you get from it is intense, and the low after is apparently devastating. Addicts have to shoot up at least twice a day before they go though withdrawal.

My mother has been taking Demerol since before she met my father. Basically, it's heroin without calling it heroin.

I understand my mother has medical issues.

But I can't help but really think that most of them now are attributed to her drug habits. I'm starting to be able to tell when my mother is running low on meds. She can't function without them. She's not happy without them. She can't LIVE without them now even.

And I don't think she knows it.

It's crazy to me that such a smart, strong, accomplished woman can be so blind. Maybe she knows it and just doesn't give a shit anymore. The whole "well, it's too late to back out now!" way of thinking.

Maybe.

I doubt it.

I've tread waters with this topic before, but have never really wanted to fully accept it. Mostly because I was young and confused and didn't know much. I only heard these things from my father, which is a very biased opinion, so I didn't fully believe them.

I've accepted that my mother gets sick. What I haven't accepted is her drug habit.

I NEED to accept it. If I don't, it will be following me like a cloud the rest of my life. Creeping up and putting me in crying fits like the one I'm in right now.

But in the end, I don't think I want to accept it. I don't think I can, even if I did want to. Nobody would really want to...At least, I don't think.

I wonder what she would have been like if she would have never taken Demerol. I wonder if she'd be different. It scares me that she could be different.

My mother is a sweet and beautiful person, but the drugs are her sour side.





Tonight, I find it quite fitting that she is a lemon.