Bad Decisions

I GUESS it was a bad decision, given that I now feel so guilty about it.

I had a chance to go to my first LIVE band with my father. It's Richard Elliot, a smooth jazz player. A very good one. AND I get a chance to meet him, which is also super cool.

BUT the concert is on Michael's birthday.

A friend of mine had already gotten the tickets and I had gotten so excited about seeing him I asked if my Dad wanted to come too because I knew he'd love it. I didn't even put together, until everything was already set, that it was on Michael's birthday.

When I first told him, he said it was fine. He's a big boy, I figured he would be.

Well apparently he's NOT fine and he's upset. How upset, I don't know. But now that the day is coming up, he keeps on making comments about how I'm not invited or how the first thing I should do for his birthday is to show up.

I know he's slightly joking, but only slightly.

On my past birthday he had to work and even I did so we celebrated on a different day. I'll only be gone for a few hours. It's just those few hours are during the birthday dinner and present/cake time.

I can see his side of it. It's that ONE important day that you want your special someone to be there. And the concert was optional, unlike work.

I see it as:

1. He'll have plenty more birthdays and NEITHER of us can make every single one
2a. I'll get to be there on that day, I just have to leave for a bit. So it's not like I'm completely ditching him for the concert
2b. I even offered to come to his house right after school so we can spend more time together and for that I feel he should be happy
3. This is something my Dad and I have always wanted to do, and while there may be more concerts, I don't know when there will be and the time I have left with my father is certainly shorter than the time I have left with Mikey

If the situation were turned I would have missed him but I feel I would have understood and just enjoyed the time I had with him that day.

Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize.

I dunno.

Maybe I'm just an inconsiderate, selfish bitch.

Either way, it's too late to turn back now. I'm afraid I won't enjoy the concert anymore because I know Mikey would be sad. But since I made my choice I'm gonna have to enjoy it. And if Mikey pulls any shit and hardly talks/goes near me/looks at me on that day, I'll just have to deal. I'll cry on the drive back home.

I'm gonna try to make it up to him by getting him his sunglasses for his birthday, even though I told him I'd get them for him on Christmas. Maybe that will make it up.

Maybe he's saying he's upset now because he knows I'll give him his glasses early to make it up to him if he says he is.

That's terrible to think. I always think people are out to get me, no matter who they are. I think the only one out to get me is myself. If that even makes sense.

I haven't felt this sad in awhile. Maybe that's why I've wanted to start cutting so bad again. I think half the reason why is because I don't have a sharp enough blade and the other half is because it would make Mikey even more upset as well as my mother if she found out.

I made a promise.

That doesn't mean I want to keep it.

I wish I knew what to say. I feel like anything I do say is just a meaningless excuse to him.