Motherhood

RELAX I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Nor do I ever want to be.

Which is the problem.

For my 19 years of living, I've never imagined having a child in my future. A partner? Yes. Baby sitting Jj's possible children and being the 'cool aunt'? Yes. But having one of my own? No.

This past Friday, Michael, his mother, and myself went to visit his 3 month old baby cousin (who is the talk of the family). Grace is her name, and she is the most aware little bundle of joy I've ever seen. The family is already calling her a genius baby. She's practically perfect too. Eats well, sleeps through the night, is hardly ever fussy. I got to hold her and even feed/burp her, which I guess was pretty cool. I love babies. They're adorable. Many little kids are.

But that's about it. Just because I think kids are adorable, doesn't mean I want to raise one of my own. Baby sitting Makenna once a day is enough. I'd hate to have to deal with a kid EVERY DAY. Cute or not, kids are work. And I think I'm too selfish to have any.

My view is, if you have a kid, that child should be your number one priority. Their well-being will always come before your own or anyone elses for the most part. And I just don't want to make a child my priority. A child isn't just like a pet either, where all ya gotta do is feed it, let it out and give it attention. You have to TEACH them things too. Not just school shit, life lesson shit.

I just don't want to do that. The lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. Yet everyone keeps telling me: "That'll change when you're older", "It's because you're at a time where you don't need kids, so there's no reason to want them", "It's nature."

When people tell me these things, it just scares me. I'm so adamant that I don't ever want my own children and for that desire to completely change seems unnatural to me. I don't wanna have a kid because of some basic human survival trait, I wanna have a kid because I wanted to start a family and because I wanted to play a motherly role.

And I don't want to do those things.

But people are so adamant that I will, or even that I must do it. The whole, "that's just what people do" thing. Ya get married, ya have kids. It's like, ingrained in everyone's minds. Except for my stupid mind.

Michael made a brief comment that if we ever got married, he'd want a kid (though he'd want to adopt one). I told him, I've just never wanted kids and got the same "that'll change" BS paired with the "you have to do it to keep on the family name" BS. If Michael and I were to ever get married, to think, that after all the time we'd spend together before that point, it could all boil down to having a kid?

THAT scares me.



Life worries me sometimes.