Ponderings

Been thinking about this ever since it hit me this morning.

So last Friday, when my Dad was picking me up at school to go to the docs, he told me that he had a little chat with my bus driver.

Not because he's concerned or anything, just a nice hello and small talk.

Today, Mrs. Sherry asked if my Dad had told me him and her had talked on Friday and I said yes. Then she went on saying "Man, it's so darn adorable how much he loves your Mom, he really cares about her."

Now wait, what?

The statement made me mentally trip on a rock into a brick wall and then fall in the street only to then get hit by a huge ass truck.

Why?

How the fuck she could think that and I have know clue what the hell my Dad did or say to make her.

Out of my 15+ years of living, I can't really say I've seen any 'true' love between my parents.

Now yes, they must have 'truly loved each other' to have my brother and I, a good point.

But they sure in hell don't love each other like that now.

After my Mom's medical problems started getting worse and she had to take more pain pills, my Dad started to say that she was a drug addict because of how many she has to take a day and told his parents that, thus making most of his side of the family think poorly of her.

Not only that, but he also makes statements about how "ugly she dresses", "fat she looks", "stupid she looks when she walks" "she looks like a billboard for make-up" and has claimed that he's "embarrassed to go places with her."

Such loving comments.

Now I must say, my Mom does dress a little odd, she has some wild outfits, but just because she tries not to look like she just rolled out of bed doesn't mean she dresses ugly.

My Mom is heavyset because some of the medication she takes makes her gain weight and she's too sick or busy to exercise.

My Mother walks "weird" because of the stroke, which after she had to learn how to walk, talk, read and write again.

The reason why my Mother wears so much make-up is to hide the fact she's sick and in pain all the time, and because of that, her skin is so white she looks dead or worse.

My Mother has told my Dad this, and so have I, yet he still treats her like shit and tells her that frequently.

Now some people might say "But Ashley, what about when your Mom gets so sick every how many months? He must really care about her to take her to the ER at 3AM!"

Yeah, and then come home and smoke a few cigars as he worries about whether or not she'll come back dead this time and then have all the responsibility be put on him, as well as his oh so precious retirement fun dented.

And does he even think about checking on his children who are inside hugging each other while sitting on the floor looking out the dining room windows at the driveway and hoping the doctor calls and not the morgue?

Nope.

The question is also begged, why haven't they gotten a divorce then?

Because they don't want to have to keep taking JJ and myself to each others houses, and my Mother doesn't want my Dad to try and walk off with the dog, who seems to matter more to him than his kids at some points, and me, who doesn't complain when it comes to doing yard work.

There have been some good times with my Dad, I can tell him things I can't tell mom, like how since I was 13 I would steal the car in the summer when she was sick and sleeping and him at work and drive around the block or pick up a movie or food for JJ and myself.

And he has said how proud he is of me.

Which is great.

But that's it, just me.

No how proud I am of your brother, or mother.

Just me.

And thus he tends to make both or their lives a living hell because my mother is a "fat, stupid, and ugly, pain meds. addicting bitch" and my brother doesn't know where to draw the line with him even though he's 12 and should know by now that if you just let him think he's got you around his finger all you have to do is wait once you move out so you can speak your mind to him then.

And that, pisses me off.

And what confuses me the most is that Mrs. Sherry is able to see a lot of good in people. But how could she see that? And if what she says it true, why the fuck hasn't my Dad shown it?

*sigh*

So many unanswered questions.

Sorry if my pondering turned more into a rant. I just with I had answers.

ily.