Today I woke up earlier than I normally did and attempted to do the Spanish 1 packet. In the end, I didn't do much of it at all. Not even a whole page.
Dad brought me home some Wendy's (who is now following me on twitter! =D) and then left again and I ate it and watched Twilight Zone on Syfy.
When it started raining really hard here I rushed upstairs to get on a pair of old jeans and a hoodie and walked around outside in my backyard. Then I found some ankle deep puddles and jumped around in them!
I bet my neighbors thought I was nuts. =p
Went inside and took a quick shower before going on my laptop a little more and then started to make some dinner for myself and Dad when he got home. I made burgers and a hot dog. =)
And no, I didn't catch on fire this time. =p
Daddy said it was good too!
After that JJ came home and I signed his cast and when he fell asleep, put a Hello Kitty band aid on it.
When Jackie comes over we're gonna paint his toe nails when he falls asleep for my revenge because he yelled at me when I signed his cast and said "Don't write so big there's a lot better people that need to sign it."
I think we're gonna color his cast too.
Took a small nap then hung out at the Twist and Shake for a bit because I needed to get away.
Now I'm here watching JJ while he eats his chocolate ice cream I brought home (thanks to Anthony!) =)
Tomorrow I gotta cut the grass (if it stops raining) and Dad's gonna teach me how to use the new tractor.
ily.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
50 Years!!
Wow, long time no post, no?
I feel bad for the lack of posts, I just haven't been in the mood for much of anything lately. Been in a pretty big rut yet again.
But I'm back!
This morning I slept in until I couldn't any longer and took a shower, fuzzed over my hair and thought it looked horrible so took another quick shower, and then went frantic over what to wear to the reunion.
After that I decided to finally put some songs I downloaded onto Melvin (a.k.a IPod) so I can listen to them on the car ride. Well, turns out it decided it was the perfect time to freeze (I kept telling JJ that "My baby got a sudden case of summer hypothermia" =p).
Being with how frustrated I've been (at myself) for the last 2 1/2 weeks or so, I had finally had it and started bawling like a baby. Again.
I was mostly worried that Melvin wouldn't work again, I greatly depend on him.
(No. It is not odd that I treat my most fondest material possession like a person).
...
(And no. I don't tuck him in at night, try to feed him etc.).
But anywho, we got to the family reunion right on time (this year it was our 5oth!) and I filmed a few things and whatnot.
My cousin Todd and Olga came with their two kids (Todd is a directer/producer and his beautiful wife is a professional photographer). Ethan is 2 or 3 and Julian is 7 weeks old! Both are adorable!
There was a small water balloon toss, and a silly string battle! Grammy danced and sang while the small 3-person band played. Food was good too. The cake even had a picture of one of the older family reunions! It was really good too! =)
When Todd and Olga left to go to Todd's high school reunion somewhere he left his kids with us. I watched little Ethan and we had a great time! When ever I would ask him for the volleyball he would go "No!" and then look at me, throw it, point and go "Look! it get awey der!" and then race me to get it and land on top of it. =p
Then when I gave him a cookie and asked him for a small piece he gave me this little minuscule of a crumb and stuck it in my mouth! xD
Everybody said we looked cute together and that I'm really good with kids. Which makes me think that maybe I'll major in early childhood development/education and then minor in filming.
Tomorrow I'll be getting up early to volunteer with Denise (a lady in the office building down from my Dad's) at the Richfield Sweet Corn Ride. I'm not gonna be in it, but I'll be making sure drinks are cold and the food is warm and ready!
Then hopefully I can get out to golf with my Dad to prepare for my tournament on Monday.
Fun, fun!
ily.
I feel bad for the lack of posts, I just haven't been in the mood for much of anything lately. Been in a pretty big rut yet again.
But I'm back!
This morning I slept in until I couldn't any longer and took a shower, fuzzed over my hair and thought it looked horrible so took another quick shower, and then went frantic over what to wear to the reunion.
After that I decided to finally put some songs I downloaded onto Melvin (a.k.a IPod) so I can listen to them on the car ride. Well, turns out it decided it was the perfect time to freeze (I kept telling JJ that "My baby got a sudden case of summer hypothermia" =p).
Being with how frustrated I've been (at myself) for the last 2 1/2 weeks or so, I had finally had it and started bawling like a baby. Again.
I was mostly worried that Melvin wouldn't work again, I greatly depend on him.
(No. It is not odd that I treat my most fondest material possession like a person).
...
(And no. I don't tuck him in at night, try to feed him etc.).
But anywho, we got to the family reunion right on time (this year it was our 5oth!) and I filmed a few things and whatnot.
My cousin Todd and Olga came with their two kids (Todd is a directer/producer and his beautiful wife is a professional photographer). Ethan is 2 or 3 and Julian is 7 weeks old! Both are adorable!
There was a small water balloon toss, and a silly string battle! Grammy danced and sang while the small 3-person band played. Food was good too. The cake even had a picture of one of the older family reunions! It was really good too! =)
When Todd and Olga left to go to Todd's high school reunion somewhere he left his kids with us. I watched little Ethan and we had a great time! When ever I would ask him for the volleyball he would go "No!" and then look at me, throw it, point and go "Look! it get awey der!" and then race me to get it and land on top of it. =p
Then when I gave him a cookie and asked him for a small piece he gave me this little minuscule of a crumb and stuck it in my mouth! xD
Everybody said we looked cute together and that I'm really good with kids. Which makes me think that maybe I'll major in early childhood development/education and then minor in filming.
Tomorrow I'll be getting up early to volunteer with Denise (a lady in the office building down from my Dad's) at the Richfield Sweet Corn Ride. I'm not gonna be in it, but I'll be making sure drinks are cold and the food is warm and ready!
Then hopefully I can get out to golf with my Dad to prepare for my tournament on Monday.
Fun, fun!
ily.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Little Time
Doug died today.
I only spent about 10 minutes with him every 3 days for about 2-3 months, but I feel like I lost someone really close to me.
I'm weird like that I guess.
Forgive me if I'm being rude or mean or childish or whatever the word is but just kinda leave me alone tomorrow. I need time to stable myself. I can't even do my homework at this point, the only reason I'm blogging right now is to ask that you try not to bring it up and badger me about it, I don't need to break down in the middle of school is all.
That's it.
Thanks.
ily.
I only spent about 10 minutes with him every 3 days for about 2-3 months, but I feel like I lost someone really close to me.
I'm weird like that I guess.
Forgive me if I'm being rude or mean or childish or whatever the word is but just kinda leave me alone tomorrow. I need time to stable myself. I can't even do my homework at this point, the only reason I'm blogging right now is to ask that you try not to bring it up and badger me about it, I don't need to break down in the middle of school is all.
That's it.
Thanks.
ily.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Giving Up
I'm gonna give up anything school related this weekend.
Any homework I'm not gonna do.
I'm not gonna study for any tests.
I'm not going to do shit.
School has made me so tired, stressed, and pessimistic I'm at the point where I really want to break things, punch people, then kill myself.
I really do hate school.
Sure, I'll tell teacher and others OMG I LOVE IT. I'll get myself pumped at the end of summer vacation. Tell myself to get ready to learn some new things, get some knowledge.
But really.
I hate it.
I wish we never had school or they changed the way we can get an education.
I would rather be doing manual labor in my Dad's warehouse.
Yeah I know, what a crazy teenager. I want to do work and not look like a fat ass.
But seriously, I don't give a flat fuck if my grades drop. I'm not doing anything.
I'm tired of being stressed and negative and worrying about tests, and homework and I'm tired of just having to 'deal with it' or 'get used to it'.
I've done that with enough shit already. I can stop doing it with school for awhile.
Society needs to find a better way than having kids spend 7 hours a day on their asses with the exception of standing up and sitting down to change classes and ruining their sight by staring at a text book or overhead or chalk board all day.
I say we quit the text books and start going out into the real world at an younger age and actually learning something instead of just trying to pass a class.
Like I do with almost all of mine.
I know you can only get something out of school by making something out of it...but really, there's hardly anything you can make.
Except maybe stress, depression and negativity.
ily.
Any homework I'm not gonna do.
I'm not gonna study for any tests.
I'm not going to do shit.
School has made me so tired, stressed, and pessimistic I'm at the point where I really want to break things, punch people, then kill myself.
I really do hate school.
Sure, I'll tell teacher and others OMG I LOVE IT. I'll get myself pumped at the end of summer vacation. Tell myself to get ready to learn some new things, get some knowledge.
But really.
I hate it.
I wish we never had school or they changed the way we can get an education.
I would rather be doing manual labor in my Dad's warehouse.
Yeah I know, what a crazy teenager. I want to do work and not look like a fat ass.
But seriously, I don't give a flat fuck if my grades drop. I'm not doing anything.
I'm tired of being stressed and negative and worrying about tests, and homework and I'm tired of just having to 'deal with it' or 'get used to it'.
I've done that with enough shit already. I can stop doing it with school for awhile.
Society needs to find a better way than having kids spend 7 hours a day on their asses with the exception of standing up and sitting down to change classes and ruining their sight by staring at a text book or overhead or chalk board all day.
I say we quit the text books and start going out into the real world at an younger age and actually learning something instead of just trying to pass a class.
Like I do with almost all of mine.
I know you can only get something out of school by making something out of it...but really, there's hardly anything you can make.
Except maybe stress, depression and negativity.
ily.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
To all my friends...
Remember:
-Everything gets worse before it gets better
-I'll always be there to make you laugh
-My mom is your mother too
-We can keep secrets
-We're just a phone call away
-If you ever need to get away I'm here
-I can't make you're life work out the way you want but I can help you live through it
-Smile even though you're sad
-It's okay to be afraid
-It's okay to cry
-Hurting yourself won't make things better
-Pills are fake happiness
-If you take your hurt out on your friends you'll drive them away
-It could always be worse
-Laugh at yourself every once in awhile
-There is always a positive side
-There is always a way out
-There is always someone that cares
-You're friends will always be there
And I'll always be with you helping you laugh under the sun.
Now smile. =)
ily.
-Everything gets worse before it gets better
-I'll always be there to make you laugh
-My mom is your mother too
-We can keep secrets
-We're just a phone call away
-If you ever need to get away I'm here
-I can't make you're life work out the way you want but I can help you live through it
-Smile even though you're sad
-It's okay to be afraid
-It's okay to cry
-Hurting yourself won't make things better
-Pills are fake happiness
-If you take your hurt out on your friends you'll drive them away
-It could always be worse
-Laugh at yourself every once in awhile
-There is always a positive side
-There is always a way out
-There is always someone that cares
-You're friends will always be there
And I'll always be with you helping you laugh under the sun.
Now smile. =)
ily.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Meh...
Suddenly I don't feel much like posting...
Mom is going to Vegas tomorrow.
There was a new kid in our physics class.
Only us girl's played on the hockey team today and we won both games without the guys.
Spanish class was...annoying....everyone was acting like morons. It was like they had never taken Spanish before.
Think I did pretty well on my history test today.
Talked with Cyrus in art today. =)
Went to get my hair trimmed and stuff.
Forgot to bring my geometry stuff home and now I don't know how to do my homework. Which means my grade will fall again. I was all excited because I was almost to a B-, screwed now. I had an A+ until I did bad on a test and then it went down like a ton of bricks.
Blah.
Going to bed now.
Oh yeah, lots of hugs tomorrow please?
ily.
Mom is going to Vegas tomorrow.
There was a new kid in our physics class.
Only us girl's played on the hockey team today and we won both games without the guys.
Spanish class was...annoying....everyone was acting like morons. It was like they had never taken Spanish before.
Think I did pretty well on my history test today.
Talked with Cyrus in art today. =)
Went to get my hair trimmed and stuff.
Forgot to bring my geometry stuff home and now I don't know how to do my homework. Which means my grade will fall again. I was all excited because I was almost to a B-, screwed now. I had an A+ until I did bad on a test and then it went down like a ton of bricks.
Blah.
Going to bed now.
Oh yeah, lots of hugs tomorrow please?
ily.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
FEAST!
Heh, I was watching this movie on youtube. I love those commercials, I can't believe they make a little movie. =p
When I woke up this morning my dad was snoring so loud I could hear him upstairs. =p
We started playing floor hockey today in PE! It's kinda sad because the guys in my group are kinda....whimpy? They don't attack people for puck! They just kinda go up, and do this little 'weh' swing and hope that it goes at least 2 inches. We lost both games. Adam and I are the best on the team, I helped him score 4 goals. =)
During the second game Nick pushed me down to get the puck so I pushed him back. Everyone was like "OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!" and Cormell was like "good job" *thumbs up*. =p
I've noticed my extrema use of smiles not only in my blog, but online. ;)
Look there's another! =o
Got a twitter since when I'm up in the morning I come here on the computer to check my e-mails.
Spent most of my time talking to Cyrus, then reading Crucible and then studying for history map test. I asked my mom if I could stay up late so I could take over most of Europe and make my own map....she said to be back by 4! =D
Now, I am done blogging and I must go and watch Vampire Knight!
Best. Anime. Ever.
Hellz yes. =p
ily.
When I woke up this morning my dad was snoring so loud I could hear him upstairs. =p
We started playing floor hockey today in PE! It's kinda sad because the guys in my group are kinda....whimpy? They don't attack people for puck! They just kinda go up, and do this little 'weh' swing and hope that it goes at least 2 inches. We lost both games. Adam and I are the best on the team, I helped him score 4 goals. =)
During the second game Nick pushed me down to get the puck so I pushed him back. Everyone was like "OOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!" and Cormell was like "good job" *thumbs up*. =p
I've noticed my extrema use of smiles not only in my blog, but online. ;)
Look there's another! =o
Got a twitter since when I'm up in the morning I come here on the computer to check my e-mails.
Spent most of my time talking to Cyrus, then reading Crucible and then studying for history map test. I asked my mom if I could stay up late so I could take over most of Europe and make my own map....she said to be back by 4! =D
Now, I am done blogging and I must go and watch Vampire Knight!
Best. Anime. Ever.
Hellz yes. =p
ily.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Starting A Conversation
While I'm in a sour mood I'll post this:
So this has been happening to me online a lot lately:
Person: Hi
Me: Hellos
*silence*
So....why did you IM me?
You said hi, it's your job to start the conversation, not mine. If you do, then I'll do my best to keep it going!
Gosh.
So this has been happening to me online a lot lately:
Person: Hi
Me: Hellos
*silence*
So....why did you IM me?
You said hi, it's your job to start the conversation, not mine. If you do, then I'll do my best to keep it going!
Gosh.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
First Day of Schol And...It All Goes Downhill From There
Woke up at six, got ready, texted people to annoy them, bus came late. I have my old elementary school bus driver. She kicks ass.
Got to school when the class bell rung, rushed to my class and sat next to Andy. My golf coach (geometry teach) gave us homework. He's just an ass.
Hung out with Zak in PE. I have stash, and John, and a lot of the guy friends I know in that class.
Saw a bunch of people.
Lunch was okay. Too short.
Dunno about spanish. Once golf is over I should be okay.
Art sucks. Know nobody and I hate it to begin with.
English seems boring this year. Know a lot of people in my class though.
Poured and was cold when golfing. I think I'm catching a cold now. Shitty golf game to top it off.
Got my homework done and filled out most of the forms for my mom because it's hard with her hand and she's really sick today.
Only had lunch today. I'll eat when I'm watching Ghost Hunters.
Hope your guys day was better than mine.
Missed you Rayy, didn't really see you at all.
Ariel is becoming a real fucking pain in the ass.
Helped some Freshies that I know on the bus.
Golf coach is gonna tell us tomorrow whether or not we have practice so I have to haul my golf bag on the bus tomorrow.
Fuck. I really think I am catching a cold.
Stupid rain.
ily.
Got to school when the class bell rung, rushed to my class and sat next to Andy. My golf coach (geometry teach) gave us homework. He's just an ass.
Hung out with Zak in PE. I have stash, and John, and a lot of the guy friends I know in that class.
Saw a bunch of people.
Lunch was okay. Too short.
Dunno about spanish. Once golf is over I should be okay.
Art sucks. Know nobody and I hate it to begin with.
English seems boring this year. Know a lot of people in my class though.
Poured and was cold when golfing. I think I'm catching a cold now. Shitty golf game to top it off.
Got my homework done and filled out most of the forms for my mom because it's hard with her hand and she's really sick today.
Only had lunch today. I'll eat when I'm watching Ghost Hunters.
Hope your guys day was better than mine.
Missed you Rayy, didn't really see you at all.
Ariel is becoming a real fucking pain in the ass.
Helped some Freshies that I know on the bus.
Golf coach is gonna tell us tomorrow whether or not we have practice so I have to haul my golf bag on the bus tomorrow.
Fuck. I really think I am catching a cold.
Stupid rain.
ily.
Monday, July 21, 2008
zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz
Hardly got any sleep the past few weeks and you know what they say, you never can catch up with lost sleep.
So lets see what's been up...
6:30 to get up for work, self confidence level's decresing, dad yelled at me about buying a pair of gogo boots from ed that he say's i'll never wear (which I will), Kris yelled at me about scaning, Debbie yelled at me for having nothing to do (well sorry that you couldn't give me something to do...), John yelled at me for not bringing out hard copies, it was hot as hell in the warehouse and I was wearing jeans because I thought I was gonna spend most of my Monday up in the offices where they pump AC in there like crazy, the stupid tape wouldn't stick to the boxes which got my mood even worse, and my mom yelled at me because for dinner I said I was only eating an ear of corn and a pork chop and she says that isn't enough...
Actually for dinner I ended up eating half the pork chop and 2 ear's of corn. The corn was so good....
Went upstairs and fell right to sleep around 7 and woke up around 8:30ish to give Ed her money for the gogo boots. Watched part of House, and now I'm just here to blog quickly before going to bed.
Why am I forcing myself to sleep and maybe poping a few pills to help?
Well 1 I would like to sleep fully for whatever time I can and 2 I have to be at my golf league at 8:30 in the freaking morning for our champs. Great. Then I have work tomorrow to so I should really just give up sleeping right now if the drugs don't help.
Dev is gonna lend me her black nail polish, I'm gonna wear it to try and stop biting my nails.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nail_biting
She wikied it for me, didn't help but there could have been something there I guess. Dev says I need to be determind, but I really don't care, I'm just gonna see if this helps and if it doesn't then screw it, I'll bite my nails to the day I die I guess.
Dad says that one of my boyfriends is gonna dump me because of how ugly my nails look. Well fuck him and fuck them, the obviousely must not be very good boyfriends to dump me for such a stupid reason. >=/
Had no spelling errors in my blog postie, yippiee I guess...first time this has happened. Spelling improved ya think?
bad mood. bleh. blah. and I don't want any hugs.
have a pounding headache....uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!!
good. night.
ily.
So lets see what's been up...
6:30 to get up for work, self confidence level's decresing, dad yelled at me about buying a pair of gogo boots from ed that he say's i'll never wear (which I will), Kris yelled at me about scaning, Debbie yelled at me for having nothing to do (well sorry that you couldn't give me something to do...), John yelled at me for not bringing out hard copies, it was hot as hell in the warehouse and I was wearing jeans because I thought I was gonna spend most of my Monday up in the offices where they pump AC in there like crazy, the stupid tape wouldn't stick to the boxes which got my mood even worse, and my mom yelled at me because for dinner I said I was only eating an ear of corn and a pork chop and she says that isn't enough...
Actually for dinner I ended up eating half the pork chop and 2 ear's of corn. The corn was so good....
Went upstairs and fell right to sleep around 7 and woke up around 8:30ish to give Ed her money for the gogo boots. Watched part of House, and now I'm just here to blog quickly before going to bed.
Why am I forcing myself to sleep and maybe poping a few pills to help?
Well 1 I would like to sleep fully for whatever time I can and 2 I have to be at my golf league at 8:30 in the freaking morning for our champs. Great. Then I have work tomorrow to so I should really just give up sleeping right now if the drugs don't help.
Dev is gonna lend me her black nail polish, I'm gonna wear it to try and stop biting my nails.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nail_biting
She wikied it for me, didn't help but there could have been something there I guess. Dev says I need to be determind, but I really don't care, I'm just gonna see if this helps and if it doesn't then screw it, I'll bite my nails to the day I die I guess.
Dad says that one of my boyfriends is gonna dump me because of how ugly my nails look. Well fuck him and fuck them, the obviousely must not be very good boyfriends to dump me for such a stupid reason. >=/
Had no spelling errors in my blog postie, yippiee I guess...first time this has happened. Spelling improved ya think?
bad mood. bleh. blah. and I don't want any hugs.
have a pounding headache....uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!!
good. night.
ily.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Ho Ho, Steameeeh
Okay, so I forced myself outta bed around 10:30ish this morning. Turns out I stayed up half the night last night (try until like 4:30 in the morning) because I was afraid to leave my mom alone. My dad slept in the guest room, which is the room all the way at the end of the hallway upstairs. I wished he would have slept on the couch (like my mom has had to because he snores so fucking loud when he drinks that I can even hear him from my bedroom...-_-). I mean, what if my mom needed to go to the ER and when she called us we couldn't hear?? So I sat at the top of the stairs with my pillow, curled in a ball. Hammy came up later and sat next to me, so at least I had some company I guess.
Mom fell asleep, and I didn't wanna be grumpy at Dev's, so I decided to go back into my room, my back was killing me from being in a ball for hours anyways. I get most of my sleep in the morning, from 5-10ish, so I'm sorta kinda well rested....
Attempted to clean my room and then packed some things to go to Dev's. I brought her 4 Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup cans because I know how much she likes them, and come Chewy Bars. I know how she's trying to lose weight, and they're only 90 calories. They seem to give me a little energy boost too, so I brought some over to try (these were chocolate cherry ones) and she liked them, so I gave her the rest in the box. Mom got me some chocolate, and smores one's Devvy Chan, so don't worry I have breakfast.
Watched the movie To Kill A Mocking Bird. I thought it was pretty good, and it was in black and white, and I like black and white movies. I've gotta say, for those who watched the movie A Separate Piece, the acting, effects, and just plain movie was a hell of a lot better even though it was in black and white.
I'm gonna look at the question's again, I think you can answer at least some of them. Otherwise, I wanna read the book since I liked the movie.
Devvy Chan and I were gonna walk today, but it was tooooooooooo hot (notice the title), so we watched the movie Stick It (which was good) and Bring It On (which, well I dunno I didn't really like, I'm not one for cheerleaders). I played with her dog, and went home around 7 with my mom to water plants and watch The Ruins. Zak said it sucked, but Mom and I liked it. She said the ending in the book was different from the ending in the movie though.
It was weird while watching the movie. Well, when we had to pause it so mom could get more yogurt. She suddenly started going off on how proud of me she was, and how she was so sorry about her getting sick a lot, and started crying, saying that she was selfish she had children, and how much she loved me. I got really scared because she kinda sounded....well suicidal. Not that she would kill herself, just that it the way she was saying all this sounded like she was gonna...die soon. Like she knew her time was short. I dunno if my mom is gonna make it to my graduation, and I always feel guilty for wanting her to live more. She's always in so much pain. I don't think any of you see it, but she's in a lot of pain, and she has been ever since she was a kid. I mean, her back molars are cracked from grinding them down so much in pain....and all the meds and shots she has to take and get. She shouldn't deserve to live like that. Nobody should.
My laptop can't seem to find the wireless Internet connection I've been using for the past two days. I'm hoping that if I connect it downstairs, and then restart it might help. If not then this will defiantly suck.
I heard it was gonna be even hotter tomorrow, and dad want's me to golf. Of course he does, on the day where it's gonna be above 90. Well fuck that, I'm not getting my sleep deprived ass outta bed at 7 in the morning to practice for his dream (for those of you that don't know, it's making the team...). I'll go to the range tomorrow, but I'm not gonna golf when the weather is in the 90's unless I have to. Our cleaning lady is coming over tomorrow anyways, so mom will have to take me in the afternoon (when it will be hotter than hell out) to the range. But hey, I'd rather do that then get up early and golf.
Going to see the movie Wanted tomorrow with my Mom, JJ, Grammy, and Uncle Scott. He got a new Jeep Wrangler, so I finally get to see it and ride in it! *squeals* I'm so excited!! I like those types of cars. Well, gonna go to bed, and if I can't sleep, I'll attempt and my summer reading book.
Oh yeah, got my first pay check yesterday!!! It's so cool!
ily.
Mom fell asleep, and I didn't wanna be grumpy at Dev's, so I decided to go back into my room, my back was killing me from being in a ball for hours anyways. I get most of my sleep in the morning, from 5-10ish, so I'm sorta kinda well rested....
Attempted to clean my room and then packed some things to go to Dev's. I brought her 4 Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup cans because I know how much she likes them, and come Chewy Bars. I know how she's trying to lose weight, and they're only 90 calories. They seem to give me a little energy boost too, so I brought some over to try (these were chocolate cherry ones) and she liked them, so I gave her the rest in the box. Mom got me some chocolate, and smores one's Devvy Chan, so don't worry I have breakfast.
Watched the movie To Kill A Mocking Bird. I thought it was pretty good, and it was in black and white, and I like black and white movies. I've gotta say, for those who watched the movie A Separate Piece, the acting, effects, and just plain movie was a hell of a lot better even though it was in black and white.
I'm gonna look at the question's again, I think you can answer at least some of them. Otherwise, I wanna read the book since I liked the movie.
Devvy Chan and I were gonna walk today, but it was tooooooooooo hot (notice the title), so we watched the movie Stick It (which was good) and Bring It On (which, well I dunno I didn't really like, I'm not one for cheerleaders). I played with her dog, and went home around 7 with my mom to water plants and watch The Ruins. Zak said it sucked, but Mom and I liked it. She said the ending in the book was different from the ending in the movie though.
It was weird while watching the movie. Well, when we had to pause it so mom could get more yogurt. She suddenly started going off on how proud of me she was, and how she was so sorry about her getting sick a lot, and started crying, saying that she was selfish she had children, and how much she loved me. I got really scared because she kinda sounded....well suicidal. Not that she would kill herself, just that it the way she was saying all this sounded like she was gonna...die soon. Like she knew her time was short. I dunno if my mom is gonna make it to my graduation, and I always feel guilty for wanting her to live more. She's always in so much pain. I don't think any of you see it, but she's in a lot of pain, and she has been ever since she was a kid. I mean, her back molars are cracked from grinding them down so much in pain....and all the meds and shots she has to take and get. She shouldn't deserve to live like that. Nobody should.
My laptop can't seem to find the wireless Internet connection I've been using for the past two days. I'm hoping that if I connect it downstairs, and then restart it might help. If not then this will defiantly suck.
I heard it was gonna be even hotter tomorrow, and dad want's me to golf. Of course he does, on the day where it's gonna be above 90. Well fuck that, I'm not getting my sleep deprived ass outta bed at 7 in the morning to practice for his dream (for those of you that don't know, it's making the team...). I'll go to the range tomorrow, but I'm not gonna golf when the weather is in the 90's unless I have to. Our cleaning lady is coming over tomorrow anyways, so mom will have to take me in the afternoon (when it will be hotter than hell out) to the range. But hey, I'd rather do that then get up early and golf.
Going to see the movie Wanted tomorrow with my Mom, JJ, Grammy, and Uncle Scott. He got a new Jeep Wrangler, so I finally get to see it and ride in it! *squeals* I'm so excited!! I like those types of cars. Well, gonna go to bed, and if I can't sleep, I'll attempt and my summer reading book.
Oh yeah, got my first pay check yesterday!!! It's so cool!
ily.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Boxes...
So last night my dad set me off big time. I was going upstairs, getting all ready for bed, and it seemed like my good mood was coming back. Well, he turns to me and goes:
Dad: "Hey Ashley do you tape boxes back in the ware house?"
Me: "Yep."
Dad: "Well Greg told me that one of our suppliers got a box and it was completely smashed up and they said it wasn't taped right, so Greg is going to go out back and tell John to teach you how to tape again."
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Make me feel like a total idiot because I can't tape a frigging box up, and make John look like and idiot to?? And I DO tape the boxes up right, and i bet it's UPS fault. I listed other reasons in a screaming fight with my dad and this morning I yelled at him again to talk to Greg. In the end he did and he was like: "Oh, okay so you weren't involved." and I said: "Good, I told you it wasn't my fault." and he said that nobody was pointing fingers at me and I told him: "Well greg must have if he was going to tell john to teach me how to tape a box up." He yelled at me, and left the office for the day. Good for him, one less person to deal with.
I asked John if I could sort parts out in the ware house and he said he could. When Larry got in he asked me what was on my mind, said I looked really sad. I told him I was just tired, which was part of it, but I dunno, mood is still meh.
When I got home I spend most of the time outside typing up more of story and then I watched a movie with JJ until he spilled pop all over my cell phone. I yelled at him and called him a stupid ass and then charged upstairs to clean it and then once again retreated into my room. I felt guilty though, so when he was going to bed I said sorry.
I wanna sleep outside, it looks nice and it would seem cool. With it raining out the noise would put me right to sleep.
*sigh*
Is it Saturday yet? I need you guys...
ily.
Dad: "Hey Ashley do you tape boxes back in the ware house?"
Me: "Yep."
Dad: "Well Greg told me that one of our suppliers got a box and it was completely smashed up and they said it wasn't taped right, so Greg is going to go out back and tell John to teach you how to tape again."
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Make me feel like a total idiot because I can't tape a frigging box up, and make John look like and idiot to?? And I DO tape the boxes up right, and i bet it's UPS fault. I listed other reasons in a screaming fight with my dad and this morning I yelled at him again to talk to Greg. In the end he did and he was like: "Oh, okay so you weren't involved." and I said: "Good, I told you it wasn't my fault." and he said that nobody was pointing fingers at me and I told him: "Well greg must have if he was going to tell john to teach me how to tape a box up." He yelled at me, and left the office for the day. Good for him, one less person to deal with.
I asked John if I could sort parts out in the ware house and he said he could. When Larry got in he asked me what was on my mind, said I looked really sad. I told him I was just tired, which was part of it, but I dunno, mood is still meh.
When I got home I spend most of the time outside typing up more of story and then I watched a movie with JJ until he spilled pop all over my cell phone. I yelled at him and called him a stupid ass and then charged upstairs to clean it and then once again retreated into my room. I felt guilty though, so when he was going to bed I said sorry.
I wanna sleep outside, it looks nice and it would seem cool. With it raining out the noise would put me right to sleep.
*sigh*
Is it Saturday yet? I need you guys...
ily.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Okay Day
It was an okay day I guess. The weather was nice.
I woke up, played a game of Mario Party 8, went online, then went to golf. I was all excited because I felt like I was going to play a good game. Fuck that feeling I think I sucked. I shot a 52. My mom and dad were all like: "Well it's only 4 strokes more than Saturday nah nah." and that's my point! I sucked from Saturday! And Saturday, I played on a Pro course, KENT STATE'S course, and I do better on that then that piece of shit Shawniee Hills?? Stupid.
I came home and just kinda laid in my bed with the blanket over my head for awhile before spending the next 4-5 hours online and stuff. I went outside on the deck and typed up more of chappie 4 but of course it's not finished yet. I've got fucking writers block now.
The humming bird flew around one of the flowers again today and after that I went inside and now I'm here. I need to clean my room before tomorrow because stupid Jackie (cleaning lady) is coming. *sigh* I guess I'll take a shower tomorrow morning before work. Which means I need to get up a half hour earlier. *double sigh*
Oh, and speaking of work, guess what.
Ya know how I said I love to work in the ware house (even though the stupid people mixed up the parts) and that I actually feel wanted more in there than the office and I love to hang out with John and Larry?? Well, SOMEBODY told John that if I have nothing to do in the ware house that I HAVE to go back and be in the offices up front. So, I just sit around feeling all guilty that I have nothing to do while the other guys are working and waiting for Kris to get annoyed and go: "Is there anything you need to do in the ware house?" Which is like, the most stupidest question in the world. Of course I don't have anything to do in the ware house, that's why I'm sitting my ass up here doing nothing!
I mean, if I had nothing to do in the ware house, or the offices up front and least talking to John and Larry in the back was somewhat productive. Not staring at the fax machine hoping it would spit out something to give to Kris or Greg, or waiting for the phone to ring so I was occupied for a few seconds.
Monday I decided to clean out the supply closet during my 'nothing time'. I took everything out and even WASHED IT OUT. But, in the end there was still nothing for me to do, because I'm saving putting everything back in for tomorrow. Don't know what the fuck I'll do Thursday though.
I don't wanna go up to my dad and be all: "Naaaaaaah do i really have to work thursdaaaaaaaay?? I really have nothing to dooooooo aaaaaaall the tiiiiiiime." Cuz
1. he'll yell at me
2. he'll yell at the people in the offices because they're not keeping me occupied
3. if you look at it i am getting paid to do nothing most of the time and my hourly payment is pretty high
Monday Larry came up front and he said that he needed me. When we were in the back of the ware house I noticed that there was nothing to ship and I looked at him and he laughed. "I thought you might want to come back here and talk because I noticed you were doing the hardest thing at a job." and i was like thinking "i wasn't doing anything..." and that must have showed on my face because he was like: "Trying to find something to do."
That was really nice of him for saving me like that.
I like Larry and John. They don't expect a lot from me, so there isn't any pressure when I'm working back there. They also made it clear that no question is a stupid question and that some of the mistakes I might make they've probably made when they first started working here.
During lunch John and I do the crossword puzzle in the Plain Dealer even though I'm not very good at them.
OH! One of the things was: A type of Japanese cartoon. And he didn't know it, and I was like: ANIME! O.O
Kris and Greg are nice people, but I dunno I just kinda get this feeling that I annoy them when I'm there. Monday Kris was like: "Take your time Ashley, let's get it right the first time."
Well,
-That totally spazzed me out because I was freaked that I really messed something up.
-Made my self confidence level shrink down even lower
-Made me feel stupid
-and made me feel pissed
I mean, HE didn't teach me some of the little scanning rule things until LAST THURSDAY, so EXCUSE ME if I DIDN'T KNOW. All they just told me was, what you scan, and what you name it and where you save it and where you know how to save it. They didn't tell me if it said this on it I scan it and then attach it to this scan and make a duplicate of this other scan, and name it this, but not to name it until they're all scanned and blah blah blah.
Yes, very confusing I know. Scanning's a bitch.
I think Kris and Greg got annoyed because I wasn't talking very loud yesterday either. They were always like: "What?" "Huh?" "Can you repeat that??" Until finally I just gave up and went right up to their desk instead of yelling across the room like that do. Although they're really only a fair few feet away...
*sigh* hopefully I'll have a better day tomorrow...
as you can see my mood still really hasn't improved...sorry guys...it's not you it's just stupid me. And I'd tell you what's wrong but I don't know what is. It's like my body jut went: "Okay! Let's feel all angry and depressed! Yeah!"
Maybe this weekend will cheer me up...
Oh yeah...party info on the side...
ily.
I woke up, played a game of Mario Party 8, went online, then went to golf. I was all excited because I felt like I was going to play a good game. Fuck that feeling I think I sucked. I shot a 52. My mom and dad were all like: "Well it's only 4 strokes more than Saturday nah nah." and that's my point! I sucked from Saturday! And Saturday, I played on a Pro course, KENT STATE'S course, and I do better on that then that piece of shit Shawniee Hills?? Stupid.
I came home and just kinda laid in my bed with the blanket over my head for awhile before spending the next 4-5 hours online and stuff. I went outside on the deck and typed up more of chappie 4 but of course it's not finished yet. I've got fucking writers block now.
The humming bird flew around one of the flowers again today and after that I went inside and now I'm here. I need to clean my room before tomorrow because stupid Jackie (cleaning lady) is coming. *sigh* I guess I'll take a shower tomorrow morning before work. Which means I need to get up a half hour earlier. *double sigh*
Oh, and speaking of work, guess what.
Ya know how I said I love to work in the ware house (even though the stupid people mixed up the parts) and that I actually feel wanted more in there than the office and I love to hang out with John and Larry?? Well, SOMEBODY told John that if I have nothing to do in the ware house that I HAVE to go back and be in the offices up front. So, I just sit around feeling all guilty that I have nothing to do while the other guys are working and waiting for Kris to get annoyed and go: "Is there anything you need to do in the ware house?" Which is like, the most stupidest question in the world. Of course I don't have anything to do in the ware house, that's why I'm sitting my ass up here doing nothing!
I mean, if I had nothing to do in the ware house, or the offices up front and least talking to John and Larry in the back was somewhat productive. Not staring at the fax machine hoping it would spit out something to give to Kris or Greg, or waiting for the phone to ring so I was occupied for a few seconds.
Monday I decided to clean out the supply closet during my 'nothing time'. I took everything out and even WASHED IT OUT. But, in the end there was still nothing for me to do, because I'm saving putting everything back in for tomorrow. Don't know what the fuck I'll do Thursday though.
I don't wanna go up to my dad and be all: "Naaaaaaah do i really have to work thursdaaaaaaaay?? I really have nothing to dooooooo aaaaaaall the tiiiiiiime." Cuz
1. he'll yell at me
2. he'll yell at the people in the offices because they're not keeping me occupied
3. if you look at it i am getting paid to do nothing most of the time and my hourly payment is pretty high
Monday Larry came up front and he said that he needed me. When we were in the back of the ware house I noticed that there was nothing to ship and I looked at him and he laughed. "I thought you might want to come back here and talk because I noticed you were doing the hardest thing at a job." and i was like thinking "i wasn't doing anything..." and that must have showed on my face because he was like: "Trying to find something to do."
That was really nice of him for saving me like that.
I like Larry and John. They don't expect a lot from me, so there isn't any pressure when I'm working back there. They also made it clear that no question is a stupid question and that some of the mistakes I might make they've probably made when they first started working here.
During lunch John and I do the crossword puzzle in the Plain Dealer even though I'm not very good at them.
OH! One of the things was: A type of Japanese cartoon. And he didn't know it, and I was like: ANIME! O.O
Kris and Greg are nice people, but I dunno I just kinda get this feeling that I annoy them when I'm there. Monday Kris was like: "Take your time Ashley, let's get it right the first time."
Well,
-That totally spazzed me out because I was freaked that I really messed something up.
-Made my self confidence level shrink down even lower
-Made me feel stupid
-and made me feel pissed
I mean, HE didn't teach me some of the little scanning rule things until LAST THURSDAY, so EXCUSE ME if I DIDN'T KNOW. All they just told me was, what you scan, and what you name it and where you save it and where you know how to save it. They didn't tell me if it said this on it I scan it and then attach it to this scan and make a duplicate of this other scan, and name it this, but not to name it until they're all scanned and blah blah blah.
Yes, very confusing I know. Scanning's a bitch.
I think Kris and Greg got annoyed because I wasn't talking very loud yesterday either. They were always like: "What?" "Huh?" "Can you repeat that??" Until finally I just gave up and went right up to their desk instead of yelling across the room like that do. Although they're really only a fair few feet away...
*sigh* hopefully I'll have a better day tomorrow...
as you can see my mood still really hasn't improved...sorry guys...it's not you it's just stupid me. And I'd tell you what's wrong but I don't know what is. It's like my body jut went: "Okay! Let's feel all angry and depressed! Yeah!"
Maybe this weekend will cheer me up...
Oh yeah...party info on the side...
ily.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
What happened today?
It rained, rained, rained, rained, poured, and then in rained some more.
I work up this morning to the phone ringing. I looked at the caller ID and didn't know the number, so me being me, I decided I would listen in on the conversation a bit when someone else in the house picked it up.
Turning out the number was my aunt's cell phone, and turns out yesterday afternoon her brother died in a motorcycle accident because some asshole made an illegal move at a red light and pulled right in front of him. My aunt was so upset she could barley talk.
What a great way to start the day right?
Well, I thought, well it's going to be sunny today so I'll go outside and read. I read about ten minutes, saw a humming bird, then got attacked but a bunch of fucking bees so I was trapped inside.
Then in rained and rained and rained.
I was switching channels when suddenly on USA I saw it! Hot muscular guys in speedo's in a diving competition. My mom and I were rating them.
Zak calm down I still love you. =) <3
That was pretty much it after that. I talked to Zak online, watched youtube vids, took a shower, had a 3 second conversation with andy, talked to zak some more, and now i'm here.
Tomorrow I have work. My aunt will be on vacation, but next week she say's she'll have to be off too because of her brother and all. Which means more chaos at the office, and that we're gonna bring someone in from Chicago to replace her while she's gone.
This also means I have another funeral in my life to look forward too.
Now, I know that death is part of life, but I'm tired of it. I've been to almost 50 funerals in my 14 years of living, 50!! I'm sick and tired of them! The sadness, the sick smell of flowers and perfume, the floral patterns on the walls, the mumbled sympathetic apologies, the bodies just lying there with there arms folded and eyes closed looking like fucking wax dummies.
*sigh*
I want to think 'maybe I won't have to go' but I'm going to have to out or respect for my aunt and her family....
Busy week this week...no time to see Zak at all =(
I guess I'll be going to bed and stuff...
ily.
I work up this morning to the phone ringing. I looked at the caller ID and didn't know the number, so me being me, I decided I would listen in on the conversation a bit when someone else in the house picked it up.
Turning out the number was my aunt's cell phone, and turns out yesterday afternoon her brother died in a motorcycle accident because some asshole made an illegal move at a red light and pulled right in front of him. My aunt was so upset she could barley talk.
What a great way to start the day right?
Well, I thought, well it's going to be sunny today so I'll go outside and read. I read about ten minutes, saw a humming bird, then got attacked but a bunch of fucking bees so I was trapped inside.
Then in rained and rained and rained.
I was switching channels when suddenly on USA I saw it! Hot muscular guys in speedo's in a diving competition. My mom and I were rating them.
Zak calm down I still love you. =) <3
That was pretty much it after that. I talked to Zak online, watched youtube vids, took a shower, had a 3 second conversation with andy, talked to zak some more, and now i'm here.
Tomorrow I have work. My aunt will be on vacation, but next week she say's she'll have to be off too because of her brother and all. Which means more chaos at the office, and that we're gonna bring someone in from Chicago to replace her while she's gone.
This also means I have another funeral in my life to look forward too.
Now, I know that death is part of life, but I'm tired of it. I've been to almost 50 funerals in my 14 years of living, 50!! I'm sick and tired of them! The sadness, the sick smell of flowers and perfume, the floral patterns on the walls, the mumbled sympathetic apologies, the bodies just lying there with there arms folded and eyes closed looking like fucking wax dummies.
*sigh*
I want to think 'maybe I won't have to go' but I'm going to have to out or respect for my aunt and her family....
Busy week this week...no time to see Zak at all =(
I guess I'll be going to bed and stuff...
ily.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I'm Sorry
Why are all you people sorry? I don't get why people say that when there isn't a reason at all that they should be sorry for. You didn't do anything at all.
Put white vinger on my sunburn, it feels better now than before.
Mom went to the ER around 7 so it's been a little over an hour.
Nothing seems to be cheering me up, in fact everything just seems to make me feel worse...
*sigh*
very negative mood. I don't think I've ever been this negative before in my life...
School was okay I guess, was still down from last evening, and some girl called me a whore because of my shirt.
Got 20 points worth of extra credit done for math that's to Dev for letting me copy her notes and stuff. Thanks a bunch Devvy chan.
um...i dunno now....nothing really to do...should do homework...but I'm not, enough of school for today.
ily.
Put white vinger on my sunburn, it feels better now than before.
Mom went to the ER around 7 so it's been a little over an hour.
Nothing seems to be cheering me up, in fact everything just seems to make me feel worse...
*sigh*
very negative mood. I don't think I've ever been this negative before in my life...
School was okay I guess, was still down from last evening, and some girl called me a whore because of my shirt.
Got 20 points worth of extra credit done for math that's to Dev for letting me copy her notes and stuff. Thanks a bunch Devvy chan.
um...i dunno now....nothing really to do...should do homework...but I'm not, enough of school for today.
ily.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Ear plugs please?
*sigh*
so dinner came, and my dad suddenly starts yelling at Jj cuz apparently he wasn't holding his fork correctly which in my book since he was eating at home I'm thinking 'who gives a fuck?' but I don't say that out loud.
dad: jj hold your fork right now, you're like an animal
me: humans are animals
dad: no they aren't
me: mhm, we're just smarter, waaaaay smarter, and have better thumbs! *thumbs up*
dad: *shut the fuck up glare*
this proves a few things:
1. my dad needs to go back to school
2. he needs to get a sense of humor
3. he also needs to take a chill pill
we all start quietly munching on our food and dad then asks me if I asked my friends about golfing with them this summer. The 'friends' he's talking about is really a 'friend' and that's Ashley O, who I really only talk to at lunch. I told him that we're gonna call each other up during the summer, which is the truth, and he starts going off on how on Monday's and Wednesday I'm going to be working for him, and that Tuesday I have my golf league and stuff like that, my summer that he's all planned out apparently. Then he says something about another league (this one all girls though) I could join on Thursday. I told him I really don't want to because in truth I hate the golf leagues. I really don't make any friends there, and I don't really see what I learn except that I need to work on my driver which I already know.
Well I guess saying that I didn't like the leagues so much set him off because he then he yells a me saying that he's spent all his time and money planning the golf things and stuff, and that I'm a loser and a quitter and I always give up, and I'm never good enough, and never can reach a goal and that right here right now I should decide whether or not I'm going to do golf this summer because if not he'll just sell the clubs to some kid that actually wants and is good at golf and will use them.
Look at all that motivation! Gee thanks dad! I really know I can actually live up to something for you now!
Anyways, he keeps yelling at me, and I push away from the table, slam the door and go up in the guest room and start tearing up, feeling sorry for leaving Dev, having dinner being ruined, and leaving a bit of food my mom slaved over most of the day on my plate and also feeling sorry for Jj cuz I know he hates seeing me like that.
My mom comes up about 2 minutes later, gives me a hug, and then yells at me saying that my bedroom is a mess, and how I can never keep it clean for more than two seconds.
Even more motivation!
I'd like to point out some things from the above:
1. dad saying how he's spent all his time and money planning things out for golf
Yes, thanks for buying me golf clubs, getting me lessons, taking me to the range and stuff like that, I really appreciate it. But I didn't ask for you to plan out my whole summer around golf and working for you, I have more of a life outside of that. I didn't ask to try out for the golf team, you always just made it seem that I HAD to do this. I didn't ask to be on a league this year, you always just went ahead behind my back and signed me up. I didn't ask for you to drive me around and plan when I need to go to the range, I can ask mom and plan things myself. I'm 14, I can do things like that. Also, I can also plan the things around MY schedule not YOUR schedule.
2. I'm a quitter and I always give up
Well you can see where my motivation is coming from for golf, but I don't remember quitting anything, or giving up cept on maybe math, but I'm more lazy at that. I haven't stopped working out either now have I?
3. dad: "I'll sell the clubs some kid that actually wants and is good at golf and will use them."
Thanks once again. I guess all those complements you've given me all the past were just lies then.
4. My room being messy
My room wasn't messy. There were just the sleeping bags on the floor that a slept on, Dev's stuff, and my stuffed animals spread about the room. Once Dev packed, I put away the sleeping bags, and piled all the animals it looked clean.
Also, I try to keep my room clean but it's hard when I spend almost everyday up here now, and why do you care it's not YOUR room, it's MY room and maybe I like it this way.
It's sad to know that the only confidence I get for golfing now is from random strangers at a golf range.
Do I want to quit? Yes.
Am I going to quit? No.
Why? Cuz I'm not a QUITTER.
The only reason I did golf really was because when I was young I thought it would get my dad to love me more. As I got older I thought that was silly. Doesn't seem as silly now though. It seems like the only way to live up to his expectations is to golf and be on the pro tour and stuff.
Sorry dad, guess I'm a failure.
Back to the say I guess. Dev came up after awhile and asked if I had a knife. I said know, but told her to be honest, I was really thinking about it, and thinking about it hard. She told me she worries about me- and not in that 'ha ha i worry about you sometimes' way because I'm funny or something.
I'm sorry everyone. I really didn't mean to make you worry. I shouldn't have told you guys I guess, you all have your own problems and enough to worry about.
These last few days, especially when Rayy and Dev were here, I woke up will more self confidence that I've ever had in a long time, and looking forward to what seemed like a great summer of 08. It's amazing how all of that can just disappear in the blink of an eye.
It's hot in my room.
I should have showered today, now I smell like chlorine for school tomorrow, great.
The blemish cream doesn't seem to be working so I guess I'm coming to school ugly too.
I'm tired but I'm too hot to go to sleep.
I guess I should stop making this post even longer seeing that I posted today already.
ily.
so dinner came, and my dad suddenly starts yelling at Jj cuz apparently he wasn't holding his fork correctly which in my book since he was eating at home I'm thinking 'who gives a fuck?' but I don't say that out loud.
dad: jj hold your fork right now, you're like an animal
me: humans are animals
dad: no they aren't
me: mhm, we're just smarter, waaaaay smarter, and have better thumbs! *thumbs up*
dad: *shut the fuck up glare*
this proves a few things:
1. my dad needs to go back to school
2. he needs to get a sense of humor
3. he also needs to take a chill pill
we all start quietly munching on our food and dad then asks me if I asked my friends about golfing with them this summer. The 'friends' he's talking about is really a 'friend' and that's Ashley O, who I really only talk to at lunch. I told him that we're gonna call each other up during the summer, which is the truth, and he starts going off on how on Monday's and Wednesday I'm going to be working for him, and that Tuesday I have my golf league and stuff like that, my summer that he's all planned out apparently. Then he says something about another league (this one all girls though) I could join on Thursday. I told him I really don't want to because in truth I hate the golf leagues. I really don't make any friends there, and I don't really see what I learn except that I need to work on my driver which I already know.
Well I guess saying that I didn't like the leagues so much set him off because he then he yells a me saying that he's spent all his time and money planning the golf things and stuff, and that I'm a loser and a quitter and I always give up, and I'm never good enough, and never can reach a goal and that right here right now I should decide whether or not I'm going to do golf this summer because if not he'll just sell the clubs to some kid that actually wants and is good at golf and will use them.
Look at all that motivation! Gee thanks dad! I really know I can actually live up to something for you now!
Anyways, he keeps yelling at me, and I push away from the table, slam the door and go up in the guest room and start tearing up, feeling sorry for leaving Dev, having dinner being ruined, and leaving a bit of food my mom slaved over most of the day on my plate and also feeling sorry for Jj cuz I know he hates seeing me like that.
My mom comes up about 2 minutes later, gives me a hug, and then yells at me saying that my bedroom is a mess, and how I can never keep it clean for more than two seconds.
Even more motivation!
I'd like to point out some things from the above:
1. dad saying how he's spent all his time and money planning things out for golf
Yes, thanks for buying me golf clubs, getting me lessons, taking me to the range and stuff like that, I really appreciate it. But I didn't ask for you to plan out my whole summer around golf and working for you, I have more of a life outside of that. I didn't ask to try out for the golf team, you always just made it seem that I HAD to do this. I didn't ask to be on a league this year, you always just went ahead behind my back and signed me up. I didn't ask for you to drive me around and plan when I need to go to the range, I can ask mom and plan things myself. I'm 14, I can do things like that. Also, I can also plan the things around MY schedule not YOUR schedule.
2. I'm a quitter and I always give up
Well you can see where my motivation is coming from for golf, but I don't remember quitting anything, or giving up cept on maybe math, but I'm more lazy at that. I haven't stopped working out either now have I?
3. dad: "I'll sell the clubs some kid that actually wants and is good at golf and will use them."
Thanks once again. I guess all those complements you've given me all the past were just lies then.
4. My room being messy
My room wasn't messy. There were just the sleeping bags on the floor that a slept on, Dev's stuff, and my stuffed animals spread about the room. Once Dev packed, I put away the sleeping bags, and piled all the animals it looked clean.
Also, I try to keep my room clean but it's hard when I spend almost everyday up here now, and why do you care it's not YOUR room, it's MY room and maybe I like it this way.
It's sad to know that the only confidence I get for golfing now is from random strangers at a golf range.
Do I want to quit? Yes.
Am I going to quit? No.
Why? Cuz I'm not a QUITTER.
The only reason I did golf really was because when I was young I thought it would get my dad to love me more. As I got older I thought that was silly. Doesn't seem as silly now though. It seems like the only way to live up to his expectations is to golf and be on the pro tour and stuff.
Sorry dad, guess I'm a failure.
Back to the say I guess. Dev came up after awhile and asked if I had a knife. I said know, but told her to be honest, I was really thinking about it, and thinking about it hard. She told me she worries about me- and not in that 'ha ha i worry about you sometimes' way because I'm funny or something.
I'm sorry everyone. I really didn't mean to make you worry. I shouldn't have told you guys I guess, you all have your own problems and enough to worry about.
These last few days, especially when Rayy and Dev were here, I woke up will more self confidence that I've ever had in a long time, and looking forward to what seemed like a great summer of 08. It's amazing how all of that can just disappear in the blink of an eye.
It's hot in my room.
I should have showered today, now I smell like chlorine for school tomorrow, great.
The blemish cream doesn't seem to be working so I guess I'm coming to school ugly too.
I'm tired but I'm too hot to go to sleep.
I guess I should stop making this post even longer seeing that I posted today already.
ily.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
If there was a god...
I'd slit his throat and friggin burn him.
My mom was okay today. Her leg was fine, she didn't feel headachey, she was in a happy mood, it was a great mother's day. Well in the last two hours she just got really sick, really fast.
My mom is the most smart, caring, kindest person I've ever known in my life and she works so hard. She deserves so much. Yet what does she get? Well, when my dad isn't picking a fight or insulting her or she isn't dealing with some asshole somewhere she's lying sick in bed, puking her guts out in a trashcan with the most terrible migraine you can ever imagine.
She does all this good stuff, even when she's SICK, and that's what happens to her?
What the fuck?
What did she do to deserve that? What could she have possibly done to have her have to suffer that much?
And it's not like this is a once a year thing, this is like a once every how many days thing.
I hate seeing her like that. I hate it. She's so weak, and she's so sick and every time she gets sick she feels so sorry and so ashamed we have to see her like that.
And I get so scared and feel so helpless because you can't do anything about it and most of the time she has to go to the ER and I always have to wait and see if she made it again this time. Because even though my mom is tough, in the back of my mind I know one of these days she just isn't going to and my dad is going to come home from the ER around 3 in the morning and she's not going to be in the car with him and she'll never be in the car with him or with us unless it's like a fucking hearse.
I have no clue what I would do without my mom. I can't even begin to describe how messed up I would be if I would ever lose her. And I defiantly can't even describe how messed up I would be if I lost her to one of those migraines.
Everyone is always worried when she's sick. Jj always cries when she goes to the ER. What do you think is going to happen if that time comes when she never comes back? What would happen to him? What would happen to all of us?
And I always get so fucking pissed off because this shouldn't be happening to her! She should be sitting out on the deck right now or something, hugging a book or talking on the phone, not lying in bed, hugging an ice pack to her head and trying not to lose it from all the pain.
And get this, even when she's sick she'll work her ass off still. If Lee Eaton needed this by this date, or if someone needed the best cheese cake ever made (hers) or if it's Christmas cards that need to be mailed, or bills to pay, or stuff we need for school to be filled out, she'll get it done, on time and have it be a hell of a lot better than any healthy person who did it.
She always tells us, that even though she's sick, that us kids make up for it and we're the greatest in the world, and that we make her so happy, even if we do some pretty stupid ass stuff.
But is that really enough? Does she really just deserve us? Does she really deserve me, a stupid, emotionally messed up girl, who can never get more than merit roll in school and that doesn't even have a future or any real great talent? I must really be missing something here.
My mom had a stroke in her 30's and had to re-learn everything, from how to walk to the alphabet. She's gone through surgery without anesthetic, baked 7 cheese cakes in one night, and has made me proud to have her as a mom.
But even after all that this happens, almost all the time.
And I can't stop it.
I wish I had my pocket knife back.
My mom was okay today. Her leg was fine, she didn't feel headachey, she was in a happy mood, it was a great mother's day. Well in the last two hours she just got really sick, really fast.
My mom is the most smart, caring, kindest person I've ever known in my life and she works so hard. She deserves so much. Yet what does she get? Well, when my dad isn't picking a fight or insulting her or she isn't dealing with some asshole somewhere she's lying sick in bed, puking her guts out in a trashcan with the most terrible migraine you can ever imagine.
She does all this good stuff, even when she's SICK, and that's what happens to her?
What the fuck?
What did she do to deserve that? What could she have possibly done to have her have to suffer that much?
And it's not like this is a once a year thing, this is like a once every how many days thing.
I hate seeing her like that. I hate it. She's so weak, and she's so sick and every time she gets sick she feels so sorry and so ashamed we have to see her like that.
And I get so scared and feel so helpless because you can't do anything about it and most of the time she has to go to the ER and I always have to wait and see if she made it again this time. Because even though my mom is tough, in the back of my mind I know one of these days she just isn't going to and my dad is going to come home from the ER around 3 in the morning and she's not going to be in the car with him and she'll never be in the car with him or with us unless it's like a fucking hearse.
I have no clue what I would do without my mom. I can't even begin to describe how messed up I would be if I would ever lose her. And I defiantly can't even describe how messed up I would be if I lost her to one of those migraines.
Everyone is always worried when she's sick. Jj always cries when she goes to the ER. What do you think is going to happen if that time comes when she never comes back? What would happen to him? What would happen to all of us?
And I always get so fucking pissed off because this shouldn't be happening to her! She should be sitting out on the deck right now or something, hugging a book or talking on the phone, not lying in bed, hugging an ice pack to her head and trying not to lose it from all the pain.
And get this, even when she's sick she'll work her ass off still. If Lee Eaton needed this by this date, or if someone needed the best cheese cake ever made (hers) or if it's Christmas cards that need to be mailed, or bills to pay, or stuff we need for school to be filled out, she'll get it done, on time and have it be a hell of a lot better than any healthy person who did it.
She always tells us, that even though she's sick, that us kids make up for it and we're the greatest in the world, and that we make her so happy, even if we do some pretty stupid ass stuff.
But is that really enough? Does she really just deserve us? Does she really deserve me, a stupid, emotionally messed up girl, who can never get more than merit roll in school and that doesn't even have a future or any real great talent? I must really be missing something here.
My mom had a stroke in her 30's and had to re-learn everything, from how to walk to the alphabet. She's gone through surgery without anesthetic, baked 7 cheese cakes in one night, and has made me proud to have her as a mom.
But even after all that this happens, almost all the time.
And I can't stop it.
I wish I had my pocket knife back.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Not Really A Good Week
Still not feeling too peppy....been thinking about a few things....
Yesterday my mom and dad got into this huge yelling fight about my brothers pants being too tight. It later turned into a more adult like argument, but the thing to start it was PANTS? *sigh*
Zak might be coming over Friday if he can get a ride home. It's been a few days now since the kissing and crap and I still feel nothing. To me it's just a kiss... Was I wrong to say yes to him? At first when he was trying to ask it was all cute and stuff and I thought it could turn into something. It's just now that I really put my mind to it- and this is when I'm not putting my mind on my math homework and parents- Zak isn't exactly my type of guy. I mean he's tall- really tall- and I'd like a tall guy, but I'd also like an athletic one. They don't have to play a sport but I mean he doesn't even work out, and I do and I'm a girl (as in guys usually work out more than girls do and stuff).
We talk on the phone almost everyday, and he says I love you and I say I love you too. But I feel like I'm lying. (by the way Erin just sent me a text saying that max told her he loves her so at least they've got something going)....(sorry Erin if I wasn't supposed to say that...). Anyways, I really don't feel like I like Zak more than a good friend. Maybe it's too soon?
Argh I dunno. I hope dad likes him I guess. I really am cruel....
*sigh*
In keyboarding today Carly asked me why I was hold Rayy's hand. I just shrugged my shoulders and said we were trying to walk straight and that we were friends and stuff. She said oh, sorry, it's just people were whispering. To those people fuck you and get a life.
Why is it that any little gustier could automatically deem a person gay or a lez? I was holding her hand, so what? Not to mention my other arm was wrapped around Zak! *guilty once again* This just shows that some people in our school really need to get a life.
Max told this really funny joke in study hall today, here it is:
So there were three men lined up at the gates of heaven. An angel said that they were running out of room and that you had to have died a horrible, or tragic death to get in. The first man walked up. The angel asked: How did you die?
man 1: well, I had heard my wife had been cheating on me, so I went home a little early but no one was there, but I knew something was up. I went out on my 25 floor apartment balcony to drink my beer and discovered a man hanging off of it! So, I smashed his fingers with a hammer and he fell into the bushes but was only stunned, so I then I threw a fridge down and he died. From all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.
Alright, you can go in, said the angel. The second man then came up and the angel asked again: How did you die?
man 2: well I was exercising on my 26th floor balcony when I fell off! Luckily I grabbed onto the 25th floor one right below me. Suddenly, this crazy guy starts pounding on my fingers with a hammer and I fall into the bushes stunned! Then, this fridge comes falling and killed me!
You can pass, said the angel. Finally, the last man came up and the angel asked once more: How did you die?
man 3: well I was hiding in this fridge....
That's it! Funny huh?
Track today was bad in PE. Sure, I was ahead all the way up until the last turn, but then I couldn't breath and everything starting getting black, I had to walk the way unless I wasn't to collapse right there. After the finish line I felt like I was going to puke my guts out, and I hate puking. I told the teacher and she just told me not to throw chunks on her...thanks for the help...
Bio I feel asleep (it's right after PE) and my teacher poked me right when the bell rang and asked: Track? and I groaned and nodded. I didn't mean to fall asleep, my head was just leaning against the wall and I dozed off. She said she wasn't going to take point off though so claps for her.
Keyboarding I couldn't concentrate, so I therefore couldn't catch up, although I am basically where everyone else is. Our warm-up was jokes, so that's how we all started telling jokes in study hall.
Oh yeah, wanna help end world hunger?? http://www.freerice.com/ go to it! Yesterday I helped donate 3,640 grains of rice! Whoo hoo!
On the day of my last post I told my mom I wanted to cut again, so she's been keeping an eye on me. The cat doesn't help, because he scratched up my wrist, but she was there when it happened and yelled at me because it was my fault I was agitating him. But it's just so fun!
Have to work out tonight, then ghost hunter's at 9 which means I'll have to shower tomorrow. I don't just wanna wash my body and not my hair, you never feel squeaky clean.
Really windy outside today, but was too tired to go in it.
Sorry post was so long.
Dev your maga is good so far...methinks I like aram....fight to the death on Monday?
Rayy I'm not a lez and I know you're not either, but you're my bestest buddy!
Erin congrats.
Ed, I'm gonna kick your aspirin
Peaches and Ryan...um...cheers?
Other people that read my blog hellos and feel free to comment so I know you're reading, I like comments.
P.s. This was a loooooooooooooooooooooog post
P.s.s. heh I just made it longer =p
Yesterday my mom and dad got into this huge yelling fight about my brothers pants being too tight. It later turned into a more adult like argument, but the thing to start it was PANTS? *sigh*
Zak might be coming over Friday if he can get a ride home. It's been a few days now since the kissing and crap and I still feel nothing. To me it's just a kiss... Was I wrong to say yes to him? At first when he was trying to ask it was all cute and stuff and I thought it could turn into something. It's just now that I really put my mind to it- and this is when I'm not putting my mind on my math homework and parents- Zak isn't exactly my type of guy. I mean he's tall- really tall- and I'd like a tall guy, but I'd also like an athletic one. They don't have to play a sport but I mean he doesn't even work out, and I do and I'm a girl (as in guys usually work out more than girls do and stuff).
We talk on the phone almost everyday, and he says I love you and I say I love you too. But I feel like I'm lying. (by the way Erin just sent me a text saying that max told her he loves her so at least they've got something going)....(sorry Erin if I wasn't supposed to say that...). Anyways, I really don't feel like I like Zak more than a good friend. Maybe it's too soon?
Argh I dunno. I hope dad likes him I guess. I really am cruel....
*sigh*
In keyboarding today Carly asked me why I was hold Rayy's hand. I just shrugged my shoulders and said we were trying to walk straight and that we were friends and stuff. She said oh, sorry, it's just people were whispering. To those people fuck you and get a life.
Why is it that any little gustier could automatically deem a person gay or a lez? I was holding her hand, so what? Not to mention my other arm was wrapped around Zak! *guilty once again* This just shows that some people in our school really need to get a life.
Max told this really funny joke in study hall today, here it is:
So there were three men lined up at the gates of heaven. An angel said that they were running out of room and that you had to have died a horrible, or tragic death to get in. The first man walked up. The angel asked: How did you die?
man 1: well, I had heard my wife had been cheating on me, so I went home a little early but no one was there, but I knew something was up. I went out on my 25 floor apartment balcony to drink my beer and discovered a man hanging off of it! So, I smashed his fingers with a hammer and he fell into the bushes but was only stunned, so I then I threw a fridge down and he died. From all the excitement I had a heart attack and died.
Alright, you can go in, said the angel. The second man then came up and the angel asked again: How did you die?
man 2: well I was exercising on my 26th floor balcony when I fell off! Luckily I grabbed onto the 25th floor one right below me. Suddenly, this crazy guy starts pounding on my fingers with a hammer and I fall into the bushes stunned! Then, this fridge comes falling and killed me!
You can pass, said the angel. Finally, the last man came up and the angel asked once more: How did you die?
man 3: well I was hiding in this fridge....
That's it! Funny huh?
Track today was bad in PE. Sure, I was ahead all the way up until the last turn, but then I couldn't breath and everything starting getting black, I had to walk the way unless I wasn't to collapse right there. After the finish line I felt like I was going to puke my guts out, and I hate puking. I told the teacher and she just told me not to throw chunks on her...thanks for the help...
Bio I feel asleep (it's right after PE) and my teacher poked me right when the bell rang and asked: Track? and I groaned and nodded. I didn't mean to fall asleep, my head was just leaning against the wall and I dozed off. She said she wasn't going to take point off though so claps for her.
Keyboarding I couldn't concentrate, so I therefore couldn't catch up, although I am basically where everyone else is. Our warm-up was jokes, so that's how we all started telling jokes in study hall.
Oh yeah, wanna help end world hunger?? http://www.freerice.com/ go to it! Yesterday I helped donate 3,640 grains of rice! Whoo hoo!
On the day of my last post I told my mom I wanted to cut again, so she's been keeping an eye on me. The cat doesn't help, because he scratched up my wrist, but she was there when it happened and yelled at me because it was my fault I was agitating him. But it's just so fun!
Have to work out tonight, then ghost hunter's at 9 which means I'll have to shower tomorrow. I don't just wanna wash my body and not my hair, you never feel squeaky clean.
Really windy outside today, but was too tired to go in it.
Sorry post was so long.
Dev your maga is good so far...methinks I like aram....fight to the death on Monday?
Rayy I'm not a lez and I know you're not either, but you're my bestest buddy!
Erin congrats.
Ed, I'm gonna kick your aspirin
Peaches and Ryan...um...cheers?
Other people that read my blog hellos and feel free to comment so I know you're reading, I like comments.
P.s. This was a loooooooooooooooooooooog post
P.s.s. heh I just made it longer =p
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Yo
So I remembered I had a blog today! (and i didn't even put up a sticky note next to my laptop saying: YOU HAVE A BLOG, USE IT). =)
Nothing really interesting happened to me today. We had the OGT practice test, for writing which was a breeze for me. I actually ate almost all of my lunch today- I've noticed since the beginning of the month that I have been eating less. Also I didn't take a nap today! I read that too much sleep can make you tired- yeah that confuses me too. So instead of coming home and taking a 3-4 hour nap I watched Star Trek and CSI.
Mkays it seems like a lot of my friends are really depressed lately and that gets me sad. For one reason, it's hard for me to be sad since I don't like it and two I'm the type of person that works hard to make people happy. Two, I have no clue what to say. I wanna say something but I just don't know what. So that's why i tried to avoid getting online today. But I'll get on after this- I need my friends.
Oh yeah and I've been looking at my blog and it's pretty...boring...not as coolieo's as Rayy's. I mean hers is awesome. Dev yours is awesome too- but Rayy's is better, NOT TO PUT YOU DOWN OR ANYTHING!!
Well that's all I have to really say today. I luv comments by the way! =D
-Alphie
Nothing really interesting happened to me today. We had the OGT practice test, for writing which was a breeze for me. I actually ate almost all of my lunch today- I've noticed since the beginning of the month that I have been eating less. Also I didn't take a nap today! I read that too much sleep can make you tired- yeah that confuses me too. So instead of coming home and taking a 3-4 hour nap I watched Star Trek and CSI.
Mkays it seems like a lot of my friends are really depressed lately and that gets me sad. For one reason, it's hard for me to be sad since I don't like it and two I'm the type of person that works hard to make people happy. Two, I have no clue what to say. I wanna say something but I just don't know what. So that's why i tried to avoid getting online today. But I'll get on after this- I need my friends.
Oh yeah and I've been looking at my blog and it's pretty...boring...not as coolieo's as Rayy's. I mean hers is awesome. Dev yours is awesome too- but Rayy's is better, NOT TO PUT YOU DOWN OR ANYTHING!!
Well that's all I have to really say today. I luv comments by the way! =D
-Alphie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)