HOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

The title? We'll get to that later. =p

So last night my dad and I played a little pool and I had some shots of Apple Pie. Mmmmm, that stuff is good.

.....MINE!.....

Anyways, today I woke up, showered and then came downstairs to no JJ and no Dad. Do you know what that means?!

Silence.

*peaceful sigh*

It didn't last too long though....

Oh well.

Went upstairs to kill time and re-read my Green Angel book. I finished it in an hour though.... =/

Cyrus called around 2ish? He finished his ACT test and then went to Subway and was on his way to pick JJ and I up to go to make a difference day. JJ was coming to see his friend Jimmy play in his band. Kate came too (ya know, the one with green highlights).

So as soon as we walk into the gym some girl faints. I bet that made Cyrus feel even better about donating blood. =p

Kate and I attempted to wait and support him...but we ending up leaving. We don't do needles.

I could see all the blood and gore in the world, but I can't see someone get poked by a needle.

*shutters*

Heh...I remember the time I had to get my blood drawn and mom had to pick me up from school....I hid in my locker! =D

Watched some of the bands. The first one was Jimmy's and then the second one was this heavy metal scream-o stuff. I couldn't understand what the dude was screaming at all, it was terrible (hence the title, see, told you I'd get to it). These guys were attempting to mosh, and it started gettin really rough. Cyrus had to catch me twice. Then the guys stopped and before they were gonna start Cyrus and I got the hell outta there and went up into the light box this with Jess and Mike.

We made fun of the band. =p

While I was watching the bands JJ found me and was all like SURPRISE!! He bought me a Chick-fil-a sandwich. He's the bestest little bro, I love him so much. =)

Cyrus dropped us off, then I quickly got ready for Devvy Chan's party. I was a witch, Devvy Chan my black cat, Peaches was a pixie, Ryan a Roman dude, and then Andy and Gerber didn't dress up. I'm sorry Sami and Rayy but I had no clue why you guys dressed up as. =p

Oh, sadly John didn't come. =(

I'll have to yell at him later. =p

We watched Final Destination 3 (which was okay since, as said above I could handle the gore). When it was over I just randomly wondered out loud "Hmmm...sometimes it seems like life is pointless since death is inevitable..."

Then Gerber and Ryan got into this debate about it.

Jeezums I was just wondering....I'll know to keep my thoughts to myself now...

Kicked ass on drums in rock band! Sami was the best though. =)

Dad came and picked me up and then...

Remember the picture of that dude front yard on my phone with all those Christmass decorations?! He's all decked out for Halloween as well!! So after Dad picked me up we went and drove past his house.

I seriously wonder where he stores all that stuff... =/

Now I'm here!

Talking to Cyrus right now.

Might go in the basement and play a little pool before going to bed.

Nighty night loves!

<3 ily.

Why

It seems when you take a stainless steel pocket knife and put it against your wrist and press as hard as you think you can nothing happens.

At least for me.

Sure there is a small little line left, but it goes away after about 10 minutes.

Then my wrist burns for a bit.

I started doing this about 4 days ago? I dunno...

I dunno why I do it either.

I feel happy right now, i don't think there is any reason why I should do it. I tell myself that when I look at that pocket knife sitting on my end table. It's shiny in the light. It's stainless steel too and from China. That means if you lick it you'll get led poisoning. One time I hid it and thought that would work. How stupid is that? I know where it is, I freaking hid it. So I went back and got it and ya know, put it to my wrist.

I let it sit there for a moment ya know? I think about a whole bunch of different things like:

-Don't do it
-Push harder this time
-I like this song on my Ipod
-There's a finger print on the blade
-Hey my dad gave me this a few years ago, he got it from his work
-Why am I doing this?
-Wow it's late
-I want a permanent mark, just one
-What's wrong with me?
-1...2...3...
-Put it away
-Hide it
-Don't hide it
-Throw it away
-Don't throw it away, its got other gadgets too like a cork screw, mini scissors, nail file etc.
-4...5...6...
-What will my friends think?
-This is bad, I'm bad
-I'll blame it on the cat
-The line always goes away
-I should make this go away

It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. have you ever tried this before? Just once? Or just put the a blade to your wrist and see if you would do it but never do? Have you ever gotten this far? Have you ever gone farther than me? I hope I never get further. I hope I stop. Why don't I stop?

I'm talking to Dev right now. My voice sounds happy, I feel really happy.

Yet why do I put it up to my wrist? Am I like really really depressed deep down? I never like to be sad, when I am I try and push that feeling down into the pit of my stomach. It feels weird there for a second, like I'm going to puke, but then it goes away. Is my little 'trash bin' over filled? I don't think this is a way to empty it...

Wow those last two sentences sound stupid...oh well...

I read a book called Cut. The girl was cutting herself because....well I can't tell you that, it would ruin the book. But in the beginning she didn't know why. I hope I find out why before I like have to go to a therapist or something. I don't like them much...it seems they ask all the wrong questions or questions you don't know how to answer because you don't have the answer...

Maybe I'll stop tomorrow night. Maybe I won't.

I'm gonna tell my mom sooner or later I think....but I'll wait...I can stop on my own...I think...

Dev says she's hyper now. =) I smiled, I'm happy right? I'm smiling, I'm happy, I feel happy.

Why?

Why do I do this to myself?

I'd rather be confused like Dev or Ellie because boy asked them out than this.

I just looked in the light at my wrist right now. The mark is gone. I want I new one. Just one. Only one, that's permanent. Then I'll stop.

I shouldn't say that. I should stop now.

I should.

I will.

Soon.

I hope...

Do you hope I stop?

I think you do.

I hope you do.

Well that's it. That's my post.

What? You're thinking it must be a joke?

Yeah if I were you I would too. Seeing that I'm always so happy all the time. Right?

I love you. I just thought I would say that. I don't know why, it just sounds nice.