Future Excitement

My god. I can't wait for Con and the possibilities of Ocean City and my 2nd tattoo. Warm weather would be nice too. And I've had this sudden desire to learn the art of Hookah and get a tumbler. I also can't wait to start learning Mandarin as well.

SO. MUCH. STUFF.

Goals and the Bucket List

I've gotten to try so many different things this new year, and it's hardly even started yet.

Recently, I've tried archery and I've also gotten to go to my first shooting range. I'm also starting my education on Mandarin and have even dipped down into studying religion a bit (although that last one is required for my Humanities class I find it quite exciting).

I anticipate completing a lot of things on my bucket list this year and going out of my comfort zone a bit more.

I've recently had a few ponderings and conversations about trust. It's something that I feel I know a lot and yet so little about. I used to trust, quite easily. I would expect nothing but the best intentions from people. But now it's quite the opposite. I can't go around without thinking that someone is out to get me in some way. Or that their intentions are purely selfish and are only made out to look like they care.

My biggest goal/desire in life is to find someone that I truly and unquestionably trust. I don't know if they're in my life right now, or will be. However, it scares me that I may not find this in life. Granted, I know it will also take some work on my part. I feel that I have made some progress, and I can think of a few 'candidates'...

It's just, trust to me is my happiness and reason in life. If I can't trust anyone like that then my life just seems unfulfilled and as if there is no point to it. I put a lot of value in it.

I've been careless with it before, and that has come to bite me in the ass (although I've learned a lot from that...), yet sometimes I still urge to be a bit careless and trust people when I know I probably shouldn't.

Maybe I should trust myself more first.

Maybe I'm just an idiot.

Regardless if I am or not, I'd still rather be a happy idiot...

NSLS

Today I got a letter from Akron saying that I've been selected to join the National Society of Leadership and Success. If it wasn't for my mother's badgering I would have thrown the letter away immediately. Apparently it's a real honor, I guess, and a great opportunity.

In reality, I'm not that excited about it at the moment. My first reaction was confusion and anger.

I couldn't have been selected for my grades. I can't really imagine my teachers nominating me. I'm not very talkative in class, I don't really participate at all. If I have a question or anything I'll wait until after class to ask it.

I feel that I haven't shown any signs of leadership while on campus. I just try to work hard/do well, and in the end, I feel that I even fail to do that.

I dunno...

The whole letter just sparked a whole bundle of insecurities. At one point I wanted to shake whoever thought I was worth this, or could even do this. I don't feel smart enough or capable enough.

I'll do it, I guess. It's a good opportunity. It will look good. It can help me get scholarship money. That means I need to get a better attitude about this. I need to tell myself that I can do this and that it'll be great. If anything, I can't waste the $85 that will be spent to even get into this.

I find it stupid that I have to pay for this 'honor'...I guess it's a lot of bang for my buck or something. Nothing is free in life as they say...

Meh. I'll be okay...I'm always okay in the end. I have to be.

Awkward Turtle?

When you and your boyfriend come up from the basement and your father goes "Your mother was never quiet either" and then raises a beer in salute before walking away.

Oops. 

Bwahaha.

That moment you feel that you're doing something right every time you look at him.

Snip Snip

I'm getting my hair cut short tomorrow. Just above my shoulders I think. I'm super nervous that it may turn out bad...but I've been told I'll be loved either way =p

I've been looking at hair styles aaaaallll night. So I'm hoping if I show enough to Shannon (my hair lady >.>) that she'll pick the right one for me. Since I know nothing about hair I don't know what will look well with my face...

Bwaaaaah still excited though. New year, new look. =]

Raaaaaa...

...wr.

The snow is pretty. I may go out and take pictures today of the park to send to my new pen pal in Taiwan. Her name is Smile. =]

When your boyfriend of almost 3 years still doesn't believe you're bisexual.














Does anyone else think I'm making this shit up?

Are You Alive?

Two people texted me that yesterday.

YES, I'm alive. I'm and work. Or I'm doing homework. The only two things I do until Friday comes swinging around.

Stop fucking asking me that.



There were way too many idiots on the road this morning. I'm still steaming.



P.S If you're not passing anyone get the fuck out of the left lane.

God I want today to be over and nothing really has even happened. I'm so overly annoyed with everyone and everything lately.

Fuck.

I tried doing one of those compromising things where you try to make everyone happy.

It used to work a lot for me when I was younger.

Now that I'm older it seems like shit just hit's the fan.

No one is willing to compromise anymore in my life.

It's either Yes or No. I can't get people to try and help me make a balance. Even if it means that the thing they wanted would still happen, just not in the exact way they planned it.

And then when things completely go to shit, I'm always the one that end's up being the bad guy.

So I figure, if both people can't be happy, then no one is going to be happy. That way no one can say I'm choosing sides or not taking the time to realize their needs or something.

It leaves me the unhappiest, due to the fact I've disappointed/failed two people instead of one.

But that's okay.

I need to start being more independent. I used to not really rely on anyone for my happiness. Now it completely depends on me being with someone. Whether it's a boyfriend or a friend, I'm only at my most happiest now if someone is there.

I don't like that.

I need to start relying mostly on myself again. And I need to quit telling people things and just be quite again.

I won't voice my opinion and I won't really tell people how I'm feeling anymore. If anything is wrong, I'll tell the majority no and if they persist I'll just say I'm tired.

No more wearing my heart on my sleeve. That way if I'm feeling down only I can pick myself back up.

It is now 10PM and instead of being with my boyfriend or RP and Bill I'm home alone.

But that's okay.

I'll be okay.




I wish all the above were true.

Hopefully this is just another one of those 'moments' and everything will work out tomorrow.

I just really wished it would have worked out today.

I just really wish I didn't feel so empty and a complete disappointment to myself.

As The Saying Goes

Good things come to those who wait.







4 years feels like long time to wait.






I hope I'm wrong.

Bad Decisions

I GUESS it was a bad decision, given that I now feel so guilty about it.

I had a chance to go to my first LIVE band with my father. It's Richard Elliot, a smooth jazz player. A very good one. AND I get a chance to meet him, which is also super cool.

BUT the concert is on Michael's birthday.

A friend of mine had already gotten the tickets and I had gotten so excited about seeing him I asked if my Dad wanted to come too because I knew he'd love it. I didn't even put together, until everything was already set, that it was on Michael's birthday.

When I first told him, he said it was fine. He's a big boy, I figured he would be.

Well apparently he's NOT fine and he's upset. How upset, I don't know. But now that the day is coming up, he keeps on making comments about how I'm not invited or how the first thing I should do for his birthday is to show up.

I know he's slightly joking, but only slightly.

On my past birthday he had to work and even I did so we celebrated on a different day. I'll only be gone for a few hours. It's just those few hours are during the birthday dinner and present/cake time.

I can see his side of it. It's that ONE important day that you want your special someone to be there. And the concert was optional, unlike work.

I see it as:

1. He'll have plenty more birthdays and NEITHER of us can make every single one
2a. I'll get to be there on that day, I just have to leave for a bit. So it's not like I'm completely ditching him for the concert
2b. I even offered to come to his house right after school so we can spend more time together and for that I feel he should be happy
3. This is something my Dad and I have always wanted to do, and while there may be more concerts, I don't know when there will be and the time I have left with my father is certainly shorter than the time I have left with Mikey

If the situation were turned I would have missed him but I feel I would have understood and just enjoyed the time I had with him that day.

Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize.

I dunno.

Maybe I'm just an inconsiderate, selfish bitch.

Either way, it's too late to turn back now. I'm afraid I won't enjoy the concert anymore because I know Mikey would be sad. But since I made my choice I'm gonna have to enjoy it. And if Mikey pulls any shit and hardly talks/goes near me/looks at me on that day, I'll just have to deal. I'll cry on the drive back home.

I'm gonna try to make it up to him by getting him his sunglasses for his birthday, even though I told him I'd get them for him on Christmas. Maybe that will make it up.

Maybe he's saying he's upset now because he knows I'll give him his glasses early to make it up to him if he says he is.

That's terrible to think. I always think people are out to get me, no matter who they are. I think the only one out to get me is myself. If that even makes sense.

I haven't felt this sad in awhile. Maybe that's why I've wanted to start cutting so bad again. I think half the reason why is because I don't have a sharp enough blade and the other half is because it would make Mikey even more upset as well as my mother if she found out.

I made a promise.

That doesn't mean I want to keep it.

I wish I knew what to say. I feel like anything I do say is just a meaningless excuse to him.

Slippery Slope

I've think I've reached that point in my life again where I just want to stay away from all who I work and go to school with, sit in my room, and just cut myself and snuggle in my electric blanket.

To me, that sounds like a lovely idea.

I don't think the temptation to do so will ever go away, quite the opposite to what I thought.

I'm in biology. I like biology. Econ is next though. And I may very well just shoot myself to save the agony of going.

NEVER go to Akron for an econ class. I'm sorry my Dad wasted his money on it. The only reason I have to not fail is so I don't have to deal with my teacher again.

Stress.

If I have too much work, I'm stressed. If I don't have enough work (especially after a period of having way too much) I'm stressed. So basically, no matter what happens I'm stressed.

*pokes stress*

Hey. Cut that out.








I suddenly feel regretful for almost every decision I've made in life. I gotta stop this shit.

YAY COLLEGE =D WHO KNEW IT'D BE THIS FUN?!

I feel like all my life school has kept telling me:

"Hey, no matter what you do, you're pretty good at! BUT, you will never get your shit together enough to matter."

Dammit, why couldn't I have been a brunette? My hair color HAS to be part of my stupidity. It just has to.

I Don't Know Why

But this secret gives me hope. It calms me. It makes me cry and it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing.

Mhm Yep Yep

It was stress.

I was sick.

But getting better.

Gave myself a pep talk.

Got good friend near and far that care.

Life is good. =]

Going To Bed

Is the hardest part of the day for me right now.  I have too much time to think.  I wish I could just take a pill and sleep instantly.

I wish I could figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

Maybe its just stress.

That's what everyone keeps telling me at least.

Sometimes I wish I was a freshman again.  Just kept to myself, and slit my wrists to solve my problems (kay maybe we can skip that part...maybe) and not bother others with them.

I don't want to have to rely on people.  And now I feel I do too much.  I feel I rely too much on Michael for my happiness now and I HATE that.

I need to find that happy medium and fast.

Ugh.  Curse my dramatic emotional issues.

Curse my new-formed dependency issues.

I can make myself happy God dammit, I just got to remember how. ><

Sometimes, on my not so busy weekends when you're at work, I cry because I miss you that much.

Not like full out sobbing, but I'll tear up from time to time.

All the boys at work say you're not good enough for me. Which is typical because they're the equivalent of a crazy uncle/big brother.

And I DO think there are some things you need to work on. Some pretty big things, others small. And I DO wonder where you'll be in the next few years. Sometimes I fear not far. And I DO wish I hadn't met you so soon. I was planning on some flings and I think some experience would have done us both good (in the bedroom and on the emotional side).

But everyone isn't perfect. And you're very smart as well as hardworking. Just as well, the memories I've made with you so far are cherished.

Sometimes I get scared though. Like I'm running out of time.

I have a new 'suitor' if you will. He's quite tempting. From the pictures I've seen of him, he's at least attractive. From texting him he's quite a tease (and one that sends my thoughts south...). He's also older, 21 I think. So a tad bit more mature...

In all honesty he sounds like a great fuck. Though I'll never know, because I'm with you. (Which sounds like a terrible thing to say).

But then I see you. And I love you all over again and couldn't give a shit about anything except being with you.

Sometimes I wonder if I miss you and love you so much because you don't make me feel lonely.

I wonder if my new suitor could make me as happy as you do.

But I would never risk the chance of finding out because that involves loosing you. It's something I can't imagine doing, though have been told it may be good for my health.

I'm afraid if I asked you if you felt similar that you'd think I love you less. In all honesty, I'm just curious. It's like, if you're feeling the same, I'd take that as some type of confirmation that I'm doing something right.

I dunno.

Sometimes relationships to me feel like ball and chain.

Yet I think I'm still glad I'm attached to you. I see a future with you. I've never seen one with anyone else before.

That means something, right?

I've just never imagined being in one of those high school sweetheart relationships. The thought never appealed.

Maybe that's why.

Motherhood

RELAX I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Nor do I ever want to be.

Which is the problem.

For my 19 years of living, I've never imagined having a child in my future. A partner? Yes. Baby sitting Jj's possible children and being the 'cool aunt'? Yes. But having one of my own? No.

This past Friday, Michael, his mother, and myself went to visit his 3 month old baby cousin (who is the talk of the family). Grace is her name, and she is the most aware little bundle of joy I've ever seen. The family is already calling her a genius baby. She's practically perfect too. Eats well, sleeps through the night, is hardly ever fussy. I got to hold her and even feed/burp her, which I guess was pretty cool. I love babies. They're adorable. Many little kids are.

But that's about it. Just because I think kids are adorable, doesn't mean I want to raise one of my own. Baby sitting Makenna once a day is enough. I'd hate to have to deal with a kid EVERY DAY. Cute or not, kids are work. And I think I'm too selfish to have any.

My view is, if you have a kid, that child should be your number one priority. Their well-being will always come before your own or anyone elses for the most part. And I just don't want to make a child my priority. A child isn't just like a pet either, where all ya gotta do is feed it, let it out and give it attention. You have to TEACH them things too. Not just school shit, life lesson shit.

I just don't want to do that. The lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. Yet everyone keeps telling me: "That'll change when you're older", "It's because you're at a time where you don't need kids, so there's no reason to want them", "It's nature."

When people tell me these things, it just scares me. I'm so adamant that I don't ever want my own children and for that desire to completely change seems unnatural to me. I don't wanna have a kid because of some basic human survival trait, I wanna have a kid because I wanted to start a family and because I wanted to play a motherly role.

And I don't want to do those things.

But people are so adamant that I will, or even that I must do it. The whole, "that's just what people do" thing. Ya get married, ya have kids. It's like, ingrained in everyone's minds. Except for my stupid mind.

Michael made a brief comment that if we ever got married, he'd want a kid (though he'd want to adopt one). I told him, I've just never wanted kids and got the same "that'll change" BS paired with the "you have to do it to keep on the family name" BS. If Michael and I were to ever get married, to think, that after all the time we'd spend together before that point, it could all boil down to having a kid?

THAT scares me.



Life worries me sometimes.