Lemon

They were doing a documentary about heroin on Drugs Inc today. So I watched it. I've never really known how it was made or where it came from. Apparently it comes from the opiate based sap in this beautiful flower and is then dried and has chemicals added to it.

The high you get from it is intense, and the low after is apparently devastating. Addicts have to shoot up at least twice a day before they go though withdrawal.

My mother has been taking Demerol since before she met my father. Basically, it's heroin without calling it heroin.

I understand my mother has medical issues.

But I can't help but really think that most of them now are attributed to her drug habits. I'm starting to be able to tell when my mother is running low on meds. She can't function without them. She's not happy without them. She can't LIVE without them now even.

And I don't think she knows it.

It's crazy to me that such a smart, strong, accomplished woman can be so blind. Maybe she knows it and just doesn't give a shit anymore. The whole "well, it's too late to back out now!" way of thinking.

Maybe.

I doubt it.

I've tread waters with this topic before, but have never really wanted to fully accept it. Mostly because I was young and confused and didn't know much. I only heard these things from my father, which is a very biased opinion, so I didn't fully believe them.

I've accepted that my mother gets sick. What I haven't accepted is her drug habit.

I NEED to accept it. If I don't, it will be following me like a cloud the rest of my life. Creeping up and putting me in crying fits like the one I'm in right now.

But in the end, I don't think I want to accept it. I don't think I can, even if I did want to. Nobody would really want to...At least, I don't think.

I wonder what she would have been like if she would have never taken Demerol. I wonder if she'd be different. It scares me that she could be different.

My mother is a sweet and beautiful person, but the drugs are her sour side.





Tonight, I find it quite fitting that she is a lemon.

Tat Tat Tat

I'm getting my tattoo August 14th!! I'm so excited, yet nervous. I'm sure it'll turn out great though. I have my every confidence in Phil Robertson.

Tat

I'm super excited to get my tattoo...

I'll be starting to make an appointment At the beginning of August and hopefully get it done sometime in the fall...

Still don't know where I'm going to put it yet...

Maybe on my shoulder?

I'm looking for a belly button ring to match =p

Alone

I'm house sitting again for Anna (I baby sit for her too) while she's on vacation. Last night Dave, Michael and I partied it up but tonight it may just be me and the dog.

It made me slightly disappointed in myself that I'm a little afraid to sleep alone tonight.

I mean, to really think about it...I've NEVER really been alone in my life. Especially recently with all the time I've spent either at work, baby sitting, or with friends or Mikey. Never have I ever spent time somewhere (overnight at least) alone. I'm sure a big part of it is because it's at night that I'm spooked.

But shit. Some of my old friends and current ones would spend nights on end alone, and they were in freaking high school, or even middle school maybe. I'm going into my second year of college.

It's weird.

In the end though, I think this type of thing will be rare...I can't really imagine myself living on my own in the terms of just me in an apartment. If anything I'll have a roommate...or Mikey.

It frustrates that I depend on people so much for my happiness. I think about freshman me who really didn't care to hang with anyone and preferred to be alone. Sure, I had a lot of friends, but being alone never bothered me.

Now it does. It makes me feel very depressed. It's crazy. Makes me feel too dependent.

I give people props who can do this. =/

At least I have the dog and Mikey Bear to snuggle with tonight.