Two people texted me that yesterday.
YES, I'm alive. I'm and work. Or I'm doing homework. The only two things I do until Friday comes swinging around.
Stop fucking asking me that.
There were way too many idiots on the road this morning. I'm still steaming.
P.S If you're not passing anyone get the fuck out of the left lane.
God I want today to be over and nothing really has even happened. I'm so overly annoyed with everyone and everything lately.
Fuck.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
I tried doing one of those compromising things where you try to make everyone happy.
It used to work a lot for me when I was younger.
Now that I'm older it seems like shit just hit's the fan.
No one is willing to compromise anymore in my life.
It's either Yes or No. I can't get people to try and help me make a balance. Even if it means that the thing they wanted would still happen, just not in the exact way they planned it.
And then when things completely go to shit, I'm always the one that end's up being the bad guy.
So I figure, if both people can't be happy, then no one is going to be happy. That way no one can say I'm choosing sides or not taking the time to realize their needs or something.
It leaves me the unhappiest, due to the fact I've disappointed/failed two people instead of one.
But that's okay.
I need to start being more independent. I used to not really rely on anyone for my happiness. Now it completely depends on me being with someone. Whether it's a boyfriend or a friend, I'm only at my most happiest now if someone is there.
I don't like that.
I need to start relying mostly on myself again. And I need to quit telling people things and just be quite again.
I won't voice my opinion and I won't really tell people how I'm feeling anymore. If anything is wrong, I'll tell the majority no and if they persist I'll just say I'm tired.
No more wearing my heart on my sleeve. That way if I'm feeling down only I can pick myself back up.
It is now 10PM and instead of being with my boyfriend or RP and Bill I'm home alone.
But that's okay.
I'll be okay.
I wish all the above were true.
Hopefully this is just another one of those 'moments' and everything will work out tomorrow.
I just really wished it would have worked out today.
I just really wish I didn't feel so empty and a complete disappointment to myself.
It used to work a lot for me when I was younger.
Now that I'm older it seems like shit just hit's the fan.
No one is willing to compromise anymore in my life.
It's either Yes or No. I can't get people to try and help me make a balance. Even if it means that the thing they wanted would still happen, just not in the exact way they planned it.
And then when things completely go to shit, I'm always the one that end's up being the bad guy.
So I figure, if both people can't be happy, then no one is going to be happy. That way no one can say I'm choosing sides or not taking the time to realize their needs or something.
It leaves me the unhappiest, due to the fact I've disappointed/failed two people instead of one.
But that's okay.
I need to start being more independent. I used to not really rely on anyone for my happiness. Now it completely depends on me being with someone. Whether it's a boyfriend or a friend, I'm only at my most happiest now if someone is there.
I don't like that.
I need to start relying mostly on myself again. And I need to quit telling people things and just be quite again.
I won't voice my opinion and I won't really tell people how I'm feeling anymore. If anything is wrong, I'll tell the majority no and if they persist I'll just say I'm tired.
No more wearing my heart on my sleeve. That way if I'm feeling down only I can pick myself back up.
It is now 10PM and instead of being with my boyfriend or RP and Bill I'm home alone.
But that's okay.
I'll be okay.
I wish all the above were true.
Hopefully this is just another one of those 'moments' and everything will work out tomorrow.
I just really wished it would have worked out today.
I just really wish I didn't feel so empty and a complete disappointment to myself.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
As The Saying Goes
Good things come to those who wait.
4 years feels like long time to wait.
I hope I'm wrong.
4 years feels like long time to wait.
I hope I'm wrong.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Bad Decisions
I GUESS it was a bad decision, given that I now feel so guilty about it.
I had a chance to go to my first LIVE band with my father. It's Richard Elliot, a smooth jazz player. A very good one. AND I get a chance to meet him, which is also super cool.
BUT the concert is on Michael's birthday.
A friend of mine had already gotten the tickets and I had gotten so excited about seeing him I asked if my Dad wanted to come too because I knew he'd love it. I didn't even put together, until everything was already set, that it was on Michael's birthday.
When I first told him, he said it was fine. He's a big boy, I figured he would be.
Well apparently he's NOT fine and he's upset. How upset, I don't know. But now that the day is coming up, he keeps on making comments about how I'm not invited or how the first thing I should do for his birthday is to show up.
I know he's slightly joking, but only slightly.
On my past birthday he had to work and even I did so we celebrated on a different day. I'll only be gone for a few hours. It's just those few hours are during the birthday dinner and present/cake time.
I can see his side of it. It's that ONE important day that you want your special someone to be there. And the concert was optional, unlike work.
I see it as:
1. He'll have plenty more birthdays and NEITHER of us can make every single one
2a. I'll get to be there on that day, I just have to leave for a bit. So it's not like I'm completely ditching him for the concert
2b. I even offered to come to his house right after school so we can spend more time together and for that I feel he should be happy
3. This is something my Dad and I have always wanted to do, and while there may be more concerts, I don't know when there will be and the time I have left with my father is certainly shorter than the time I have left with Mikey
If the situation were turned I would have missed him but I feel I would have understood and just enjoyed the time I had with him that day.
Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize.
I dunno.
Maybe I'm just an inconsiderate, selfish bitch.
Either way, it's too late to turn back now. I'm afraid I won't enjoy the concert anymore because I know Mikey would be sad. But since I made my choice I'm gonna have to enjoy it. And if Mikey pulls any shit and hardly talks/goes near me/looks at me on that day, I'll just have to deal. I'll cry on the drive back home.
I'm gonna try to make it up to him by getting him his sunglasses for his birthday, even though I told him I'd get them for him on Christmas. Maybe that will make it up.
Maybe he's saying he's upset now because he knows I'll give him his glasses early to make it up to him if he says he is.
That's terrible to think. I always think people are out to get me, no matter who they are. I think the only one out to get me is myself. If that even makes sense.
I haven't felt this sad in awhile. Maybe that's why I've wanted to start cutting so bad again. I think half the reason why is because I don't have a sharp enough blade and the other half is because it would make Mikey even more upset as well as my mother if she found out.
I made a promise.
That doesn't mean I want to keep it.
I wish I knew what to say. I feel like anything I do say is just a meaningless excuse to him.
I had a chance to go to my first LIVE band with my father. It's Richard Elliot, a smooth jazz player. A very good one. AND I get a chance to meet him, which is also super cool.
BUT the concert is on Michael's birthday.
A friend of mine had already gotten the tickets and I had gotten so excited about seeing him I asked if my Dad wanted to come too because I knew he'd love it. I didn't even put together, until everything was already set, that it was on Michael's birthday.
When I first told him, he said it was fine. He's a big boy, I figured he would be.
Well apparently he's NOT fine and he's upset. How upset, I don't know. But now that the day is coming up, he keeps on making comments about how I'm not invited or how the first thing I should do for his birthday is to show up.
I know he's slightly joking, but only slightly.
On my past birthday he had to work and even I did so we celebrated on a different day. I'll only be gone for a few hours. It's just those few hours are during the birthday dinner and present/cake time.
I can see his side of it. It's that ONE important day that you want your special someone to be there. And the concert was optional, unlike work.
I see it as:
1. He'll have plenty more birthdays and NEITHER of us can make every single one
2a. I'll get to be there on that day, I just have to leave for a bit. So it's not like I'm completely ditching him for the concert
2b. I even offered to come to his house right after school so we can spend more time together and for that I feel he should be happy
3. This is something my Dad and I have always wanted to do, and while there may be more concerts, I don't know when there will be and the time I have left with my father is certainly shorter than the time I have left with Mikey
If the situation were turned I would have missed him but I feel I would have understood and just enjoyed the time I had with him that day.
Maybe I'm just trying to rationalize.
I dunno.
Maybe I'm just an inconsiderate, selfish bitch.
Either way, it's too late to turn back now. I'm afraid I won't enjoy the concert anymore because I know Mikey would be sad. But since I made my choice I'm gonna have to enjoy it. And if Mikey pulls any shit and hardly talks/goes near me/looks at me on that day, I'll just have to deal. I'll cry on the drive back home.
I'm gonna try to make it up to him by getting him his sunglasses for his birthday, even though I told him I'd get them for him on Christmas. Maybe that will make it up.
Maybe he's saying he's upset now because he knows I'll give him his glasses early to make it up to him if he says he is.
That's terrible to think. I always think people are out to get me, no matter who they are. I think the only one out to get me is myself. If that even makes sense.
I haven't felt this sad in awhile. Maybe that's why I've wanted to start cutting so bad again. I think half the reason why is because I don't have a sharp enough blade and the other half is because it would make Mikey even more upset as well as my mother if she found out.
I made a promise.
That doesn't mean I want to keep it.
I wish I knew what to say. I feel like anything I do say is just a meaningless excuse to him.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Slippery Slope
I've think I've reached that point in my life again where I just want to stay away from all who I work and go to school with, sit in my room, and just cut myself and snuggle in my electric blanket.
To me, that sounds like a lovely idea.
I don't think the temptation to do so will ever go away, quite the opposite to what I thought.
I'm in biology. I like biology. Econ is next though. And I may very well just shoot myself to save the agony of going.
NEVER go to Akron for an econ class. I'm sorry my Dad wasted his money on it. The only reason I have to not fail is so I don't have to deal with my teacher again.
To me, that sounds like a lovely idea.
I don't think the temptation to do so will ever go away, quite the opposite to what I thought.
I'm in biology. I like biology. Econ is next though. And I may very well just shoot myself to save the agony of going.
NEVER go to Akron for an econ class. I'm sorry my Dad wasted his money on it. The only reason I have to not fail is so I don't have to deal with my teacher again.
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