Motherhood

RELAX I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Nor do I ever want to be.

Which is the problem.

For my 19 years of living, I've never imagined having a child in my future. A partner? Yes. Baby sitting Jj's possible children and being the 'cool aunt'? Yes. But having one of my own? No.

This past Friday, Michael, his mother, and myself went to visit his 3 month old baby cousin (who is the talk of the family). Grace is her name, and she is the most aware little bundle of joy I've ever seen. The family is already calling her a genius baby. She's practically perfect too. Eats well, sleeps through the night, is hardly ever fussy. I got to hold her and even feed/burp her, which I guess was pretty cool. I love babies. They're adorable. Many little kids are.

But that's about it. Just because I think kids are adorable, doesn't mean I want to raise one of my own. Baby sitting Makenna once a day is enough. I'd hate to have to deal with a kid EVERY DAY. Cute or not, kids are work. And I think I'm too selfish to have any.

My view is, if you have a kid, that child should be your number one priority. Their well-being will always come before your own or anyone elses for the most part. And I just don't want to make a child my priority. A child isn't just like a pet either, where all ya gotta do is feed it, let it out and give it attention. You have to TEACH them things too. Not just school shit, life lesson shit.

I just don't want to do that. The lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. Yet everyone keeps telling me: "That'll change when you're older", "It's because you're at a time where you don't need kids, so there's no reason to want them", "It's nature."

When people tell me these things, it just scares me. I'm so adamant that I don't ever want my own children and for that desire to completely change seems unnatural to me. I don't wanna have a kid because of some basic human survival trait, I wanna have a kid because I wanted to start a family and because I wanted to play a motherly role.

And I don't want to do those things.

But people are so adamant that I will, or even that I must do it. The whole, "that's just what people do" thing. Ya get married, ya have kids. It's like, ingrained in everyone's minds. Except for my stupid mind.

Michael made a brief comment that if we ever got married, he'd want a kid (though he'd want to adopt one). I told him, I've just never wanted kids and got the same "that'll change" BS paired with the "you have to do it to keep on the family name" BS. If Michael and I were to ever get married, to think, that after all the time we'd spend together before that point, it could all boil down to having a kid?

THAT scares me.



Life worries me sometimes.

Drum Roll Please

Holy crap.

I get my tattoo tomorrow.

I'm so freaking excited.

;alsdkjfask;ldjf;ladsjf;lasjdfuhaerf

I'm waiting for myself to get scared. Not of the pain, but of regretting it. Simply because so many people (mostly the ones who are against it) keep saying that I will.

So far, I'm more afraid of not being able to explain its meaning well enough, not that I'll regret it.

We'll see.

I hope it turns out like I imagine it in my head.

I'm sure Phil will hit the mark. =)

Lemon

They were doing a documentary about heroin on Drugs Inc today. So I watched it. I've never really known how it was made or where it came from. Apparently it comes from the opiate based sap in this beautiful flower and is then dried and has chemicals added to it.

The high you get from it is intense, and the low after is apparently devastating. Addicts have to shoot up at least twice a day before they go though withdrawal.

My mother has been taking Demerol since before she met my father. Basically, it's heroin without calling it heroin.

I understand my mother has medical issues.

But I can't help but really think that most of them now are attributed to her drug habits. I'm starting to be able to tell when my mother is running low on meds. She can't function without them. She's not happy without them. She can't LIVE without them now even.

And I don't think she knows it.

It's crazy to me that such a smart, strong, accomplished woman can be so blind. Maybe she knows it and just doesn't give a shit anymore. The whole "well, it's too late to back out now!" way of thinking.

Maybe.

I doubt it.

I've tread waters with this topic before, but have never really wanted to fully accept it. Mostly because I was young and confused and didn't know much. I only heard these things from my father, which is a very biased opinion, so I didn't fully believe them.

I've accepted that my mother gets sick. What I haven't accepted is her drug habit.

I NEED to accept it. If I don't, it will be following me like a cloud the rest of my life. Creeping up and putting me in crying fits like the one I'm in right now.

But in the end, I don't think I want to accept it. I don't think I can, even if I did want to. Nobody would really want to...At least, I don't think.

I wonder what she would have been like if she would have never taken Demerol. I wonder if she'd be different. It scares me that she could be different.

My mother is a sweet and beautiful person, but the drugs are her sour side.





Tonight, I find it quite fitting that she is a lemon.