I feel like all my life school has kept telling me:

"Hey, no matter what you do, you're pretty good at! BUT, you will never get your shit together enough to matter."

Dammit, why couldn't I have been a brunette? My hair color HAS to be part of my stupidity. It just has to.

I Don't Know Why

But this secret gives me hope. It calms me. It makes me cry and it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing.

Mhm Yep Yep

It was stress.

I was sick.

But getting better.

Gave myself a pep talk.

Got good friend near and far that care.

Life is good. =]

Going To Bed

Is the hardest part of the day for me right now.  I have too much time to think.  I wish I could just take a pill and sleep instantly.

I wish I could figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.

Maybe its just stress.

That's what everyone keeps telling me at least.

Sometimes I wish I was a freshman again.  Just kept to myself, and slit my wrists to solve my problems (kay maybe we can skip that part...maybe) and not bother others with them.

I don't want to have to rely on people.  And now I feel I do too much.  I feel I rely too much on Michael for my happiness now and I HATE that.

I need to find that happy medium and fast.

Ugh.  Curse my dramatic emotional issues.

Curse my new-formed dependency issues.

I can make myself happy God dammit, I just got to remember how. ><

Sometimes, on my not so busy weekends when you're at work, I cry because I miss you that much.

Not like full out sobbing, but I'll tear up from time to time.

All the boys at work say you're not good enough for me. Which is typical because they're the equivalent of a crazy uncle/big brother.

And I DO think there are some things you need to work on. Some pretty big things, others small. And I DO wonder where you'll be in the next few years. Sometimes I fear not far. And I DO wish I hadn't met you so soon. I was planning on some flings and I think some experience would have done us both good (in the bedroom and on the emotional side).

But everyone isn't perfect. And you're very smart as well as hardworking. Just as well, the memories I've made with you so far are cherished.

Sometimes I get scared though. Like I'm running out of time.

I have a new 'suitor' if you will. He's quite tempting. From the pictures I've seen of him, he's at least attractive. From texting him he's quite a tease (and one that sends my thoughts south...). He's also older, 21 I think. So a tad bit more mature...

In all honesty he sounds like a great fuck. Though I'll never know, because I'm with you. (Which sounds like a terrible thing to say).

But then I see you. And I love you all over again and couldn't give a shit about anything except being with you.

Sometimes I wonder if I miss you and love you so much because you don't make me feel lonely.

I wonder if my new suitor could make me as happy as you do.

But I would never risk the chance of finding out because that involves loosing you. It's something I can't imagine doing, though have been told it may be good for my health.

I'm afraid if I asked you if you felt similar that you'd think I love you less. In all honesty, I'm just curious. It's like, if you're feeling the same, I'd take that as some type of confirmation that I'm doing something right.

I dunno.

Sometimes relationships to me feel like ball and chain.

Yet I think I'm still glad I'm attached to you. I see a future with you. I've never seen one with anyone else before.

That means something, right?

I've just never imagined being in one of those high school sweetheart relationships. The thought never appealed.

Maybe that's why.